Reasons Behind The Joe Postage

I've noticed that as more and more people are meeting Joe they say, "Oh I know you, I've seen pictures." And I realize now that I post a lot of pictures of us....like a lot.

(Exhibit A)

In the beginning it was because I was insecure about our relationship. Like the more I posted about it the less likely it would be to end. Stupid thought process, yeah I know. But now I post pictures of us because he's how I spend my free time. I work full time and go to school at night, and instagram or Facebook are all about posting about the fun things you do. Well my fun thing is spending as much time as possible with my best friend, who just happens to be Joe.

(Exhibit B)

A lot of people have made points on the Internet lately that we don't post pictures of the bad parts of our relationships and how if we wanted the world to know about our lives we shouldn't just post about the good. Well, I challenge that. Knowing me (and every other person on the planet) no one wants to hear about the fights you have at two AM on social media. People that post about that kind of crap are basically the worst. But there is a bigger reason as to why I post about us so much. It's so that even if we do end, and I have to go through and delete all of the pictures I have of us, I can remember good times.

(Exhibit C)

Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping we're in this relationship for the long haul, and yeah there have been a few bumps along the way. Relationships aren't perfect, but I don't want to post about the bad times because I don't want to remember the bad times. The whole point of forgiveness is letting the past remain in the past, and posting about it makes it a permanent memory engraved into your facebook wall or instagram account. Yeah you can delete it, but why put it up if you have to take it down?

Relationships are hard. Plain and simple, and yes I post about mine a lot. Mostly because he's my free time, and because I want to remember a lot of things, but also because he deserves more credit than he's given. He is patient, kind, smart, and one of the greatest people I've ever known. And we've been through the good, bad, and ugly, and yet we're still here. Like I said, he's my best friend. And if he were a girl best friend, I'd be posting pictures of us just as often, there'd just be zero kissing and/or cuddling involved. So in conclusion, I'm still posting pictures of us (or just his handsome face), because God gave me agency, this is America, and I can. 

Hope yall had a merry Christmas and here's a picture of Joe with his cat.

You're welcome!

My Experience With Banana Republic

Story time!

Okay so earlier this week Joe and I went to city creek to window shop and we came across Banana Republic. Now my handsome Joe boy started wandering in and my inner fat girl was on high alert. Because not only have I never been able to afford any of their clothing, but in the last four or five years I've never been able to fit into it. Looking at the mannequins in the window who's calves were as big as my forearm, I couldn't help but feel like 220 pound person I once was.

As we were finding Joe clothes to try on a worker started up a conversation with me about why I wasn't in the women's sections getting myself some cute clothes, my reply was the same reply I've had to ask for the last five years, "What size do you go up to?" And let me tell you, the look of confusion on her face as she said 14 was priceless. And at that moment I looked at the store differently. I walked in looking at overpriced clothing made for rich twiggy women, and then stood in a store filled with overpriced clothing that would fit my once size 18 and now size 8 rear.

As we talked I explained how I'd lost 55 pounds and how I had 10 more to go so I didn't want to really buy clothes right now because not only will they not fit in a month, but I don't know how to dress the new body I have. Our conversation ended and I sat and waited for my cute boyfriend to model the clothes we both knew he couldn't afford. And before I got my nose half way into a Vogue magazine, two of the store workers picked me up out of my chair, threw some clothes at me, and put me into a dressing room!

I tried on a skirt, a sweater, and some heels, all of them probably worth more than my entire wardrobe combined! And I felt fabulous. I saw a different more grown up woman in the mirror. And when I stepped out, the ladies said the nicest things. And the main worker looked at me and said, "We know you aren't going to buy anything, but we wanted you to know how good you look. Showing people how to dress for their bodies is our job. You look fabulous, thank you for letting us play dress up with you."

I've never seen myself in that kind of light before. I've never walked into a posh store and fit in anywhere. So I guess this post is just more of a public thank you to those ladies for making me feel special. And for helping me realize that I am no longer who I was, and that every day I'm closer to where I want to be :)

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

I just love that saying. CS Lewis knew what he was talking about because every single day is better than the next if I want it to be :) and lately it has been so here's my update.

I just wanted to let you all know how ridiculously happy I am. I start school next Wednesday at Salt Lake Community College. My job's...meh, it's a job. And my love life is friggin' great :) as many of you know I'm dating this handsome guy

His name's Joe and he's my favorite human. He's my priesthood holding, movie watching, chemical engineering, tickle fighting, bunny/cat hair covered, Spenser loving boyfriend. And he's really good at making me happy.

Also, recently my cousins' girlfriends and I all became really good friends! Haha we're all kinda wives now...it's a thing :) We have rings 

They're both pretty great and I'm pretty stoked off my life to be friends with such chill girls. Considering most girls are catty, it's super nice to be around people who don't make you feel like you're back in junior high :)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I was and why I was that way and what has changed. And I realized that things changed because I wanted them to. I didn't like where or who I was and so I changed it. Looking back I always got exactly what I wanted. I didn't feel good about myself so I didn't look for good guys. And thus, the guys I got were kinda crummy. Yeah they had their good bits but there was nothing about them that I would have wanted to keep for forever. I wasn't a really good friend, and so I didn't get really good friends...until Summerlin came along that is :) I just love her! Everything I wanted I got. Because on the outside I was saying, "I want better friends.", "I want an amazing boyfriend." While on the inside all I was thinking was, "I'm not good enough for better friends.", and "Boys don't like fat girls, guys like that don't date girls like me." But there's a joke that my friend Kara from work told me that I think is relevant. "How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb" "none the lightbulb has to want to change" still gets me every time :) but it's true! No amount of therapy can help someone who wants to be miserable. And I was tired of being miserable.

So yeah :) now I'm happy as a clam and I couldn't ask for more! I am so blessed to belong to a religion that believes that progress is never ending. Because I plan on seeing the better things that lie ahead for me :) 

Beating The Fat Girl Mentality

So as many of you know I used to be this girl

The one that never got asked out, or went to dances, or really did much of anything besides eat. I was that way for a long time, and I got that way pretty darn fast too. I didn't have a whole lot of friends and hung out with my mom a lot, because hey, she thinks I'm awesome no matter what my size! 

Recently I've turned into this girl

And suddenly people pay attention when I speak. I'm not just the fat girl with daddy issues that no one will touch with a ten foot pole. I'm now the skinny girl with daddy issues that suddenly boys take an interest in.

To tell you the truth, when I look in the mirror, I still see the top picture. I see the stretch marks of who I used to be tattooed across my skin as an everyday reminder of who I was. And it's hard for me to look past them. But everyday I find something new I love about this new body I found.

It's weird because it's been here all along, it's just been hiding in the padded packaging to help it from getting damaged. And you know what, looking back, being fat was a HUGE blessing. I didn't have to worry about falling in love my junior and senior years of high school. I didn't have to worry about running into morality issues, or getting in trouble with friends. And yeah, I was lonely and bitter. But having the body I had kept me safe.

Some of you may argue that my point isn't valid, because it's not healthy to think that way. But I can't imagine the trouble I could have gotten into, had I been hot in high school. Just sayin.

It's hard though, being the way I am now.with the fat girl mentality, once you've seen yourself fat, you ALWAYS see yourself as fat. Because even though I've lost over 50 pounds, I'm still a big, solid girl. I still have big features and I guess I thought that would all change when I lost weight? I thought I could be petite like other girls. To be the kind of girl that's fragile and easy to lift. But with me that's still not the case. Not only am I not small, but I'm not light either. I may be within my weight class now, but I'm pretty sure I still outweigh most of the guys I find attractive! And that bugs me to death! If there is anything in this entire world that drives me absolutely bonkers, it's weighing more than the guys I date. Because then I'm self conscious all the time and it makes it hard for me to see myself in a good light! But I'm also grateful for my big features. I've got curves, and I can hold things on my hip just fine. I don't have to worry about not being able to lft something, or running non stop. My body is sturdy and it can handle a lot. And as much as I would like to be fragile, that's not who I am. A Great Dane will never be a chihuahua. No matter how hard it tries, it will never fit into a shoulder bag, just like I will never fit into a size 2.

But I am slowly and surely learning to love myself. Because I know my father in heaven did not send me here with this glorious body, just to hate what I see when I look at His creation. Because HE created me. And I am this way because I'm SUPPOSED to be. And whether I believe it or not, I am beautiful. And I'm not beautiful because of how I look, but because I am His daughter. So with His help, I'm beating the fat girl mentality and finding something new to love everyday, and I challenge you to do the same!

Laying Down My Weapons

This last month has really put my faith to the test. From car accidents, to losing friends, to loved ones passing, and now there is what I hate to call "drama". Which, is something I prefer steer clear of, thus why I hang out with dudes. Sorry but girls kinda suck sometimes. To me it's like, if you see a cow in the middle of the road, you go around it because you know the damage it can do. Well sometimes cows like to step in front of cars without warning, and sometimes drama, like cows, just cannot be avoided.

Considering the amount of head-on collisions I've been in, you'd think I'd know what to do when I hit that cow in my road of life. But the difference between that and this, is that even though head on collisions happen without warning, at least you know that the people you love have your back, and worry about whether or not you're okay, even if the accident is your fault. When people decide that it's time to try to flip your life upside-down, they cut off your resources. They start with your friends, they won't mess with your family, but tend to end with your church leaders, even though they never found it necessary to come to you about it. Sadly enough, this has happened before, and it's the main reason I moved my rear to Farmington. But I guess I'm learning that there will be a cow in the road wherever you go, and the people you love will not always be the people you thought they were, regardless of how well you think you know them.

My question is, how many accidents does it take in a month to learn what God intends for us to learn? Sometimes I look at the sky and think, "Really!?" But I know He has a plan, and sadly enough, I know what He's trying to teach me.

I've always been stubborn. I've always been the loud, bold, spunky human, that scares the shy and loves to laugh! I've always had trouble being patient, and I like to think I'm an intelligent being, so being wrong isn't really my strong suit. But taking a step back and thinking about this, in the last month, I've been in a car wreck where the fault shouldn't have been mine, but it was. I've ended what could have been a relationship that didn't necessarily have to end, but I know in my heart that it did. And now I have to be apologetic to someone who, in my opinion, doesn't deserve my energy, but I'm gonna give it the best I've got. And here's why.

Because I love my Lord. I was going to say "The Lord", but I like to think of Him as mine. He is my brother, He suffered for my sins, and HE loves ME no matter what. And today we sang a hymn in sacrament meeting that will not leave me alone. It's Hymn 183, "In Remembrance of Thy Suffering". In the first verse it says, "We've forgiven as thou biddest all who've trespassed against us. Lord forgive as we've forgiven all thou seest amiss in us." And if that didn't send the message loud and clear, I'm pretty sure the next step would have been getting struck by lightening.

Last time something like this happened, I ran from it. Out of fear and annoyance I ran away to Farmington to start myself over. But like I said, there will always be a cow in the road. And this time I am strong enough to raise my white flag, and admit my surrender. Not for the sake of the other person, but for the sake of my own salvation and my own peace. That sounds selfish, but hey, I'm the only person in charge of getting back to my Daddy in Heaven, so I'll do whatever it takes to get there. Because God knows that I am an imperfect being, that I am not one to lay my weapons down and let myself be slain, just for the sake of peace. I raise Hell because I was not made to be silent. But I am learning to be humble. I am learning to turn to Him and lay my weapons down, because it is more important to win the war with the Adversary, than it is to lose focus on that war because of a battle with someone who makes you want to run far away from the church. This church is made of imperfect people, I am one of those imperfect members. Brothers and sisters, it is more important to lay your weapons down when fighting with each other. We are all on the same team, and we all have the same goal. If we are going to lift our weapons, we should lift them against the one common enemy. Our testimony of Heavenly Father should be our one and only weapon. Because against Satan, it can only do harm. And against humans, it can only help.

I love this gospel more than I hate laying down my weapons. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I will not be still. My faith cannot be shaken by a car accident, a boy, or a cow in the road. I know He lives, and I know He loves me, and has my back. Even. When. I'm. Wrong.

The Refiner's Fire

If there has ever been a week of pure Hell, I'm pretty sure I just went through it. I don't think I've ever had so many bad things happen all in such a short amount of time. Let me just take you through what's happened, but this post turns up I promise.

1. Got in a car accident because some dude ran the red while I was turning left.
2. It's automatically my fault regardless because I was turning left, so yeah, there was a ticket.
3. I got whiplash and an adorable seat belt bruise/burn.
4. I got Strep throat (which makes whiplash even more painful)
5. I dropped my favorite ring down the bathroom sink. (not that big of a deal, but still stinks)
6. And the kicker. My love life took a hard nose dive into the south pacific.

So yeah. I've tried to be an adult about everything. Keep it all to myself and on the down low. But really no one reads this stupid blog anyway so why not vent.
Honestly. Life royally sucks right now. I don't have a stinking clue as to what to do with myself. For the time being I'm stranded in Bountiful, when all I want to do is be in Farmington where I actually have friends. And I don't want to pay for a new car, or the insurance that comes with an accident. All I want to do is be a little kid, sit in a corner with a bowl of ice cream and let someone else take care of everything.
But, sadly, this is real life. And my momma always taught me that I'm better than quitting. So I've pulled myself together, been responsible, tried to keep a level head, and take care of business. But do you know what that's gotten me? Everyone thinking that I'm not taking this serious enough. That because I'm staying calm, I'm being nonchalant about the whole thing. I understand it, I got in an accident a year and a half ago. But I learned my lesson from that accident. I've had plenty of nightmares about that accident since then, and they're all me having an out of body experience and watching it all happen. And in some of them I'm watching what could have happened. And it still scares me to death. But I don't tell people that, because I've never really felt the need to.
But this accident I feel is different. This accident, I understood what was going on. He looked like he was slowing down, and that light was red. Plain and simple. Whereas in the last one, I remembered nothing. I still can't recall that entire day. It's hard for me to accept this because I feel like it's not fair that this was my fault.
But I also know that life isn't fair and when push came to shove, the blame was on me. So I'm taking it for what it is, being an adult, and dealing with it. That doesn't mean I don't care about what could have happened to the other person involved, or what could have happened to me. It means I'm trying to be responsible, and do whatever it is these grown up people do.
Anyway. As my week went on, and my hell got hotter. I couldn't help but be a little upset with God. (oh yeah, the accident happened on my way home from the temple) Because it's hard not to be just a little peeved when you know he's all powerful and could have stopped it from happening. And of course Satan was racking my brain, saying things like "well if you were on a mission, this wouldn't have happened." Which, thanks to, what I feel was a spiritual prompting, from my visiting teacher, I know that my decision to stay home is still right. But, anyway, after I calmed down a bit, I realized that before I left for the temple that day, I prayed and asked for God to teach me something. And every single scripture I've read since that day has had to deal with bearing your afflictions with faith. And after this week I know that there has to be something I am supposed to learn from all of this.
This whole week, all I could think was "I am not strong enough for this." That sentence went through my head on repeat every single day. But I'm starting to see that if I wasn't strong enough for this, I wouldn't have gotten this far! It's been eight days since my accident, and yeah I still hate life, but I'm still living, aren't I!? So yesterday, I started thanking God and asking Him help open my eyes to what I'm supposed to learn from all of this. And then the heavens opened and today happened.
Today I attended the temple with my dear friend Ashlee, who is off on her mission to France in less than 50 days! And while we were there she shared a scripture with me that brought tears to my eyes and peace to my soul.  It was 3 Nephi 22:6-8 it says, "6 For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

 7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.

 8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer."

After a week of walking through Hell barefoot, and feeling like God had shut me out and left me alone, I know that He is always there. He might turn away from us for a minute, just to help us remember who we are and whose we are, and how much we need Him.

This life wasn't meant to be easy or fair, and I'm starting to see the truth that lies behind the saying "the refiner's fire". Because after all is said and done, everything we go through will make us better and stronger than we ever thought possible.

I testify that God lives. God loves us. And even when we feel like our world is falling apart, and we are completely alone. He is always there.

A Girl's Gotta Do What God Tells Her To

So, as many of you know, I started preparing for a mission in July of last year. I started attending the temple weekly, mission prep, studying Preach My Gospel, and temple prep. I felt the need to prepare for a mission, but in all these months I never saw myself as a missionary, or really felt the need to actually go, I just felt the need to prepare.

In not having received the confirming "go" feeling, I just decided to press forward with faith, and go through with my papers. I met with the stake president back in January and got a strong prompting not to leave until August, so I would have to wait until April to submit my papers. After this, my faith was a little shaken to say the least, so I started attending the temple twice a week, reading my scriptures every chance I could, and praying to my Heavenly Father to know what I was supposed to do. As months passed, I received no answer. So, again, I pressed forward with faith. But the more I started preparing for my mission, the more uneasy I felt about it. I figured these were my fears and my doubts trying to get the best of me, and this entire time I had the mentality that if I wasn't supposed to go on a mission, God would stop me.

March 26th I met with the stake president with a heavy heart, but still thinking that if this was wrong God wouldn't let me do it, I agreed to have my papers submitted April 1st. I thought that after I met with my stake president, I would feel some form of peace, but I still felt uneasy about it, but I figured what's done is done and I couldn't turn back now. I texted my bishop April 4th and asked whether I would get my call the upcoming Wednesday or the Wednesday after, and he replied telling me my papers were still with the stake president. And with that text this girl got her answer.

I was in a parking lot when I received that message, and I basically just broke down. I was crying and praying to Heavenly Father, asking Him what He wanted from me. And keep in mind these last 10 months I have been asking over and over again, "Heavenly Father, should I go on a mission?" And as I sat in my truck, balling my eyes out, without even feeling the words come out of my mouth, I asked, "Heavenly Father, should I stay home?" And I have never, in my entire life, felt so much peace.

Now I know that this is going to be a disappointment to some of you, and I know that no one ever went on a mission and wished they wouldn't have gone. But I am following Gods will. Who knows, maybe I'll go in two months, maybe I'll go in 40 years. But either way, every decision that I have made this far has been through consultation with my Heavenly Father. I'm sad that I'm not supposed to serve, because I put a lot of time and effort into being ready, and not for nothing but I was really excited to go through the temple. But I am grateful that I finally got my answer. This whole experience of preparation taught me so much, but mostly, it taught me about agency. Even if something is a righteous decision, and could be so good for you. If you don't feel good about it, you shouldn't do it. God isn't going to stop you from making wrong decisions, even if they're good decisions. That's why He sent His son in the first place. We are our own beings, and He wants us to be all that we can be. A mission isn't in my cards right now, God has other plans for me here at home. But I know that I am making the right decision, because my Father has been with me the entire way.

Thank you to those of you who have supported me through it all, and even supported me after I've decided not to go. It's been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I wouldn't change it even if I had the chance. I love this gospel, and I love The Lord. He is my best friend, and I couldn't have done any of what I've done without His constant guidence. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me, even if that means bigger and harder trials, because I know that I can do all things through Him.

A Letter To Me

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and I know most people say, "I wouldn't change a thing." But I look back and I would change a lot of things, so I wrote this letter to myself, and actually to my future daughter. Because there are a lot of things I wish I would have known growing up that could have saved me from a lot of heart ache.

Dear Me,

First and foremost, you have to know that boys will always confuse you. They are the most simple of creatures, yet contrary to what you thought, they don't just stop being hard to read once you get into college.

Secondly, you don't always have to be strong for everyone else. It's okay to have emotions to call your own, and you don't have to fake it for anyone. An amazing woman named Robyn once said, "Crying shows meekness, not weakness." Never forget that.

Being bold does not mean you have to be harsh. There are ways to tell people that they need to back off without ripping them to shreds. Being soft does not make you vulnerable, it makes you approachable!

Divorce is tough, but it is not your fault. Your parents will make their own choices, and yes those choices effect you. But don't you dare let yourself think that they couldn't figure themselves out because of you. They're the adults, you couldn't have changed the outcome whether you were 4 or 18.

Exercise will become your best friend, and the best destresser!! You've come so far from where you were and you know how to never look back!

Forgiveness is your alli. Holding resentment only effects you! And quite frankly, holding grudges isn't sexy, so stop it!!

Older guys are better. And that fact is going to suck until you get out of high school, then you can date whoever you want!

Stop getting out of everyone's way, and giving up what you want just because you don't want to step on anyone's toes. If it effects your happiness and you've got a shot, stomp away!

Love your mom more, because lately you've been doing a pretty sucky job at that. I know you've got your own life, and your own friends, and a job and blah blah blah, but keep in mind that she had her own life once upon a time too, and you came into the picture and decided to poop and pee all over it. And what's worse is that she wanted you to!! Because she loves you, and as much as you'd like to think that she just doesn't get it, she does, but you also owe it to her. You peed on her and spent her money, now pay it forward!

Food is good. Food will always be good! Pizza will never leave you lonely! But moderation is key, sweetie!

Say I love you more often, even if you're angry and don't feel like it, always let the people you love know you love them! Because you don't know what's going to happen in the next minute, let alone the next hour!

Being punctual is important, but it isn't everything!! You can be a couple minutes late here and there, the world will continue to spin! Breathe!!

Family should come first. Always.

And lastly, you are beautiful. You always have been. Sometimes you were only beautiful on the inside, and when the awkward stage was over you were beautiful on the outside too! The only reason you are beautiful is because you know of the goodness of your Heavenly Father. You know of His truth and of the love and light this gospel brings to your life! I know it's hard to look in the mirror and see the good in your body. It's been through a lot! You're basically falling apart and you're only 18 years old! But losing 50 pounds did a lot for you, and you've got a lot to offer! I promise you that you are worth it. And just because someone fails to see your worth, that does not mean that your worth decreases! Someday, someone will finally see you and love you for all that you are and for all that you want to be! No ending up with 47 cats/birds/fish! You're still young, so stop all that "forever alone" crap you go around telling everyone!

Keep your chin up, your attitude positive, and your heart set on The Lord, and you'll turn out just fine! Because, hey, it's worked so far, right!?

Love always,

Me

Name Them One By One

It's only Thursday and this week has been wonderful! I have been so blessed! In the last four days I've gotten my job back, gone to the Salt Lake temple twice, gone running in sunshine, and finished the Book of Mormon! And, wow, have I been blessed!!

Lately, life's been a little rocky, but this week I feel like God has made His presence known. In my personal opinion, God lets us know that He loves us in the little things, but he lets us know He knows us in the big blessings. Like yesterday was the best day I've had in a long time. Not only was it summer in February, but I was able to go running in the sunshine, I got to go on an amazing date, and I also got to put a little work in. On my date though, we talked a lot about the things we were grateful for, and I realized that I'm learning to find joy in the little victories of my everyday life! For example, before my date I couldn't find the other shoe I wanted to wear, I searched for a solid half hour and it was nowhere to be found! It's a bright stinking orange shoe!! You don't just lose one of those! And I looked up and said, "can I get a little help here?" I kid you not, I found it in a random bag less than two minutes later! And the funnier thing is that I didn't even end up wearing those shoes anyway! And God knew that I wasn't going to wear those shoes, but He decided to let me know He was listening and led me right to them! As my date and I were talking, he told me how he'd read a conference talk where it said if you write down what you're grateful for daily, you will be happier. When it comes from the mouth of a prophet, you know that's a promise! Gratitude journals are a sure fire way to feel better about life, my friends!!

To my non member friends, I know it's easier to believe that I found them just by chance, but for me it was a huge blessing. It was my Heavenly Father showing me that He knows me, and that what I care about matters to Him. The guy I went out with probably won't read this, so I really don't care. But I really wanted to look nice for that date. I hadn't gone out with anyone in a while, and I wanted to look good and feel good. And quite honestly, I really wanted to impress this guy (he's kinda really attractive sooo). So even though they were just shoes, God knew it mattered to me. This last Sunday I heard someone say, "God is not the light at the end of the tunnel, He is the light that gets us through it." And I LOVED that!! Because me finding those stupid shoes was Him giving light to my dark little tunnel. Even though that light was small, it made things a heck of a lot easier! 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we really should follow the advice of that primary song we know and love, "Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God hath done." Because if you look at all the things He's done for you, you'll find that there is joy in the works of The Lord.

I testify that God loves us, He knows us, and He cares about our troubles, no matter how small they seem. I know that the church is true and if you don't believe it, I invite you to study the Book of Mormon, and I also challenge you not to look for it's faults. Because if that's what you're looking for that's all you'll find. Pray for understanding, and I promise you will recieve it. I love this gospel, and I am so grateful for all the things God has done for me. And I'm grateful for YOU, for taking time out of your day to read my blog even though it's kind of whiny and preachy sometimes :) you're all great and I love you!! Hope y'all have an awesome week! Be happy, be brilliant, and be grateful!! 

The Blessings of a Broken Family

Divorce stinks, it just does. In all seriousness, divorce is hell for everyone involved. The parents are sad, the kids don't understand the fullness of what went wrong and tend to blame themselves, and the families are made to disown someone they once called an aunt, uncle, brother, or sister. But as I've grown older I've definitely been able to see the blessings that have come with divorce and having mixed families.
My brother and I have never been close, but I know that if I ever need someone to complain to about serious things in my life, I can call on him. And I don't think we'd be like that had we not gone through our parent's divorce together. It gave us some kind of connection, and it's really hard to relate to him, so I'm really grateful for the fact that the divorce gave me a little piece of steady ground that I can count on.
My parents divorced when I was a wee lass. I think I was about four or five. By the time I was seven years old both of my parents had found new spouses. Dad married into the Diaz family, and mom married into the Lund family. Suddenly I went from having one mom, one dad, and one brother, to having two moms, two dads, five brothers, and three sisters. Needless to say it was kind of a shock to the system. And if I thought knowing my cousin's names was hard before, I don't even know what to think now! But becoming a part of these families definitely taught me a lot, and I definitely consider myself lucky.
The Diaz family taught me the art of sharing, and how to shake it like Shakira (after all, those hips don't lie). I had a sister named Adriana, and two brothers named Eric and Alan. Adriana and I shared a bed on the weekends I came to stay with my dad. We basically shared everything else too. From clothes, to shoes, to hair clips. We fought like cats and dogs sometimes, but she was definitely my best friend for a while. Eric was best friends with my brother Kirk, and Alan was the baby of the family, but he hung out with the big boys anyway. That family rocked! We had big family barbeques every weekend with good food and even better company. We would go up Provo canyon and play in the river and just have an awesome time! Sadly, my dad and Katy (my stepmom) split when I was about 11 years old. But Adriana, Alan, and Eric. If you're reading this, I'll always consider you family!
The Lund family consists of my step-dad Dave, and his four kids, Katie&Kevin, Amanda, Mark&Meredith, and Brian. I've never really gotten really close to my step siblings on this side. Which is kind of a shame, but this family has been such a blessing. My step dad ,Dave, is an awesome guy. He's always been super supportive. He came to every orchestra and choir performance, every soccer game, and every elementary school play that I was ever in. And for that I am so grateful. He's basically been a dad to me and I don't give him enough credit for all the things he's done for our family. I don't say I love him often enough, but I really hope he knows. It hasn't always been easy, because I think for a long time both sides of kids were bitter about our parents getting divorced, and then marrying each other. I think we were all trying to put the blame on the other kid's parent. Stuff like, "Your dad married my mom" or "Your mom married my dad." would be said all the time. But I love them all, I really do. And I pray for them every night. But it's just kind of hard to openly show love to people you still hardly know after 11 years.
The Lund extended family is like the best thing ever. My grandparents are the coolest! They have over 50 grandkids and can call them all by name! That means I have over 50 cousins JUST ON ONE SIDE! Family parties are hectic, but my cousins are some of my best friends. Jeff, Michelle, and Darin are all awesome! I seriously spend most of my time with them! They've been my friends since I was about 14, and they've taught me how to live my life! I have a tendency of overthinking practically everything, and thank the heavens they pull me out of my own head and show me that the real world isn't that complicated. Teaching me things like: having someone be strictly a cuddle buddy is okay, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, boys suck, girls suck, everybody sucks, food temporarily solves problems, curves are a good thing to have, and you can't please everyone. Man I love my cousins. Oh and the game!
I have bunches of blood related family that I love more than words can even express, but this post is mainly about my step family and how blessed I am to have them. BUT I am beyond blessed to have my blood relatives! My aunt Peggy is basically my twin...just like 9" shorter...hehe :) And my aunts and uncles on my dads side have always been super supportive and I'm so grateful for their constant words of encouragement on my FB and on this very blog. I love you all, and I don't know where I'd be without you!
Anyway. Divorce is never going to be a fun experience. But I'm a firm believer in the cup being half full. I think it's easy to look at a broken home and be all, "wo is me" and whatever, but you have to look at the bright side if you ever want happiness in life. And if you open your heart, you'll be surprised at what you'll learn. The more love you give away, the more room you have to fill yourself with the love of others. So if any of you come from broken families, I strongly encourage you to look for the good. Make Christ the North of your life compass and I promise that you will find happiness! Well, that's that, hope y'all have an awesome week, and God bless!

Damaged Goods

For an update on how I am since my last post I'm just fine. After a lot of prayer and an awesome priesthood blessing, I'm alright. I've still got a pulse and the sun rises and sets everyday so I'm guessing all is right with the world. 

ANYWAY so lately my dating life was going great, but apparently it took a sharp left about a week ago and suddenly stinks. The last two guys I've gotten pretty close to becoming more than just friends with seem to have bolted for the door as soon as I told them a little bit of who I am. Like my fears, and my aspirations, and who I was three years ago that obviously I'm not now. And I can't help but blame myself. And I talked to my good friend Alayna and I just told her straight up, "guys just don't like girls like me." And it turned out she read an article with almost that exact title not that long before. She went on to explain that guys just like what they like, and someday one of them is going to like you. 

I've done a lot of thinking since that conversation, and I've come to a simple conclusion. I've decided I need to be the kind of person I would want to date. And to be quite honest with you, if I were a dude, I would date me. I'm fun, I'm athletic, I'm musical, I'm outgoing, and I love myself. Everyone has baggage. And everyone has done things that they aren't proud of, and has crazy irrational fears. I am one person among BILLIONS of people who isn't perfect. Because God didn't make me that way. My purpose in this life is not to be perfect. In fact, I strongly believe that I was sent here to screw up and learn, and strive to be all that I can. 

I wrote a new song tonight called "Damaged Goods" and there's a line in it that says "these damaged goods are good for somethin'. I know I ain't much, but I ain't nothin'." And I didn't realize I felt that way until I wrote that down. I'm not nothing, and I actually have a lot to offer. Honestly, Marylin Monroe had it right when she said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." (Sorry for the swear word) but really though. I'm not going to pretend to be perfect.  That's not who I am. I'm the exact opposite, if you haven't noticed! I trip over my own feet, my jokes aren't always funny, and I snort when I laugh. But if that's a "turn off" for you then you're not what I need.

Nobody seems to want damaged goods, but what everybody is failing to realize is that we all fall under that category. And we need to start looking for the good in each other. Stop being so picky with the people you date, and just let yourself be loved. And if the person you're dating doesn't love you, there's a problem. Because 2+2 doesn't equal 6, and that's basically what you're going to get if you stay with someone who only loves you when you aren't yourself. So damaged or not, you deserve to be loved. Because God loves you for all you are and He made more than one person on this earth that will love you almost as much as He does. That's all I gotta say about that. Hope y'all have an awesome week, and God bless!

A Change Of Plans

Dear reader,

As many of you know I was planning on submitting my papers to recieve my mission call by next Wednesday. Well that's not going to happen. I don't owe any of you an explanation, but I figure you might as well hear it from me, rather than let your imagination think the worst of me.

I met with my stake president this last Sunday with the full intention of submitting my papers and getting my call. I've been so excited, and have been preparing for what to me has felt like ages. When I walked into his office, I heard a small voice in the back of my head say, "don't go until august." When I heard this I brushed it off. I've been preparing for a while and feel ready to serve, and gosh darn it if I can go in May, I'm gonna! But as that meeting progressed, that feeling of "Go in august" kept getting stronger and stronger. Finally I realized that it wasn't my doubts giving me this feeling, it was the spirit. I finally gave in. Bursting into tears in front of someone I didnt know, I told my stake president I shouldn't go until august. He looked confused, but trust me, I was just as confused as he was, if not more. He asked if it was due to money issues and I said no. He asked me if I felt there were morality issues I should have resolved, and I couldn't help but laugh a bit (this girl can barely get herself a date). So he asked why I shouldn't, and I just told him I felt really strongly that I needed to wait, but made it very clear I don't want to. And he said that if I'm supposed to serve now, I'll still be able to serve three months later.

Three months may not seem like a long time to you, but for me it sounds like ages. Satan is already working his way into the cracks of my self esteem and telling me I'm not good enough. So giving him three extra months to do so, isn't exactly something I'm excited to do. Making the decision to go on a mission was already one that I struggled with. So the fact that I finally put my foot down and made the decision was a big deal. And having the spirit tell me that I have to wait, isn't making this any easier.

I'm trying not to be mad at God, but it's really hard to be happy with this decision when I feel so ready to serve. But I know I will be blessed for my obedience. And there's obviously something God knows that I don't. So there's something I need to do, or something I need to learn, or someone I need to help in these extra three months.

Thankfully I have cousins who rock my world and know exactly what to do. And after lots of crying and brainstorming, I'm ready to forget myself and go to work. My gameplan is to lose myself in the service of my fellow men. If I can't serve a mission and spread the word of my Lord and Savior wearing a name tag until August, then you better believe I'm going to be serving without a name tag until then.

So I won't be getting my call for a while. And I won't be able to go through the temple until April. So if you ever need help, call me up because I'm more than willing!

Guys, this isn't easy for me. And I'm not just pushing this off because I'm scared. My heart really is breaking right now, so I could really use your prayers. Please help me through this, because I can't do this alone. I love you all and thank you for your support.

Sincerely,

(a later rather than sooner to-be)

Sister Owens 

Missionary Work and The Temple

There are lots of reasons people leave the church nowadays. And I think it's safe to say that a lot of them leave due to misunderstanding. In Utah, I feel like missionary work is hard to do. You want your non-member friends to know of the truth and happiness you hold so dear, but you also don't want to just be another "super Mormon" shoving it down their throat. I've prayed for missionary opportunities, but none have really come my way...except for a really cute pot head that recently came my way...but I'm not one to flirt to convert, and I ain't about that life. Hugs, not drugs! ANYWAY, I feel like it bugs a lot of people that even if a person is an amazing human, but isn't a member of the faith, they can't obtain Celestial glory. Well if you're one of those people, I've got news for you. They will be saved through temple ordinances. God has a plan, and that is EXACLY why we do work for the dead. Sometimes people aren't ready to receive the word while they're living. So bringing it back to missionary work, I finally realized that I've been doing missionary work weekly since September. Thank heaven for Temple Tuesday!!!

Through doing baptisms for the dead every week, I've done about 150 baptisms and 150 confirmations. That's 300 souls on the other side that much closer to eternal glory! And I got to help!  Having not been endowed yet and going to the temple, you feel like everyone is talking to you like you're five years old. "Honey, you'll understand when you're older." gets pretty darn annoying. But doing baptisms for the dead is like being little and helping mom make cookies! She may not let you put them in and out of the oven, but you definitely helped make those delicious cookies happen! That's how I've learned to see it! You're only too little for so long, so enjoy it!
Missionary work is missionary work whether for the living, or for the dead. I strongly believe that to be true, and my mom once told me that the work you do for those who have passed on, the more angels you have looking out for you and praying for your well being! I think we could all use a little extra help every now and then, and who better to help us than our brothers and sisters!
I used to go to the temple for my own peace of mind, but I now go for the sake of my brothers and sisters I haven't had the joy of meeting yet. For the souls of those who have waited so long to find happiness. Who have prepared themselves for the moment they come out of the waters of baptism, and get that much closer to meeting their maker! I get to help with that!? I get to be a part of something that awesome!? You better believe I'm going every week! And in doing baptisms weekly, I've learned to love people I've never met, and what better way to prepare for a mission than to do missionary work!?
If you have the opportunity to attend the temple and do saving ordinances for the dead, I stongly suggest you go and do it! If you can' t go to the temple right now, I encourage you to take whatever steps necessary to attend! Because it is where you are closest to your Heavenly Father, and I can't even express to you the blessings it has brought into my life! The temple is my favorite place, and I don't know where I'd be without this glorious gospel! The church is true, and if you don't know that for yourself, I pray that you seek out truth in this gospel. Because I promise you that you will find it!

The Caboose of My Own Train

In the last few weeks my mom and I have been having a little bit of a struggle about what to do when I open my mission call. I've wanted a small crowd, she wants me to have a party. And just this last Monday she said something that made me think (she does that a lot). She said something along the lines of, "Spenser, you have made yourself the caboose of your own train for far too long. Now you're going to be the center of attention for one day, dang it. This is going to be about you, and you have reason to be proud. So post it on Facebook, and let people see you for once." In other words, she told me to get the heck out of my own way!
Looking back, I really have made myself the caboose of my own train. I always try to put others first! Haha my friends always complain that I'm acting like their mother. I don't try to, I just want to make sure everyone lives up to their potential and gets what they want. But that usually ends up with me putting myself on the shelf and watching everyone else's lives play out. I can't really decide if it's a bad thing. Well, I guess in the sense of always putting myself second, it is. But I really don't mind it! I like helping people and making them happy. Being the caboose is the best sometimes because you get to see all the progress of the little engine that could! I know I should start putting myself first, but honestly, I don't really know how. I've been the caboose for so long, I don't know if I can make my way up to the front.
I know saying things have been this way for a long time makes you think it started in junior high or something, but it started long before that. I remember times back in NY where if I were playing with a toy and another kid wanted it, I would gladly give it up. I've never been one for contention. In fact, I hate it. I hate having people mad at me. I don't necessarily care if people don't like me, I'm confident enough to know that sometimes personalities just don't mix. But when people are offended by something I've said or done, that really gets to me. Because, believe it or not, I'm a pretty empathetic person. I don't find joy in making other people feel awful (shocking, I know!). And it really doesn't help that I worry about basically everything...because when I can't tell if someone's mad at me, I kind of just assume the worst. And that's definitely something I need to work on, but I'll get there. I don't even know why I'm writing this post. The same 25 people look a my blog anyway, it's not like any of this matters. But it's my blog, and I'll write what I want. So there! Haha looks like I'm putting my opinion first now. Uh-oh, the transformation is already starting.
I'm starting to realize that I deserve more. I know that sounds cocky or whatever, but I really do. My entire life has been spent settling. Especially in the man department. I've always thought that a guy putting me maybe second or third on his list of priorities was good enough for me, because, hey, at least I was on the list. And there has always been that awful thought that I wasn't good enough for him. Well thankfully I'm starting to slowly, but surely, open my eyes to what I deserve. I used to think that a guy telling me, "If I have time, we can do something, but I probably won't, but maybe." was okay. NO! Girls if you're reading this, that is NOT how a man should treat you. Men make time for the people they care about, they don't just squeeze you into their schedule "maybe". Maybe is for losers. You shouldn't have to beg them to grace you with their presence. Go after someone who sets date and time, and opens your doors, and gives you compliments in person, rather than in some copied, and pasted text that he probably sent to six girls before you! You deserve to feel special, and to feel like more than just another tally mark in his playbook. The minute you demand respect is the minute you'll receive it. Sit in that front seat until he walks around the car and opens the door. If you get to the front door before he does, step back and wait until he gets the hint. Don't be a brat about it, but stand your ground, and show him what you expect out of him as a date. Because eventually he'll catch on. And if he doesn't...well then I guess whether or not you keep pursuing him is up to you...but I wouldn't recommend it...even if he's super cute.
Sorry for the rant...just felt that it needed to be said. I guess I'm writing this post because I really am tired of being my own second choice, and everyone else's. I'm tired of being everyone's plan B just because they know I'll always be around. I want to be someone's first choice. And if that's going to start anywhere, I guess it's going to have to start with me. So starting today I am my own first choice. If I don't want to do something with someone, I'm not going to do it. If I don't want to eat something, I'll politely decline. And if I don't want to go on a date with someone, I'm going to FINALLY just say no, instead of making up some lame excuse. Because I have to learn to stop swimming across oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for me. And I have to start doing the things I enjoy doing!
This is going to be one heck of a learning experience, but I know that I can do all things through Christ. I know, I know, I say that in almost every post, but it's something I know to be true! I know that He is my biggest fan, and even if it takes this caboose 25 years to become a head car of her own train, He will be there when it happens.
So, bring it on 2014!
Bring.
It.
ON!

My I Love You Resolution

I am not one for new years resolutions. I honestly don't think I've made one since I was probably 10 years old. But I've decided that I might as well make one this year considering it's gonna be a big one. With serving my mission, and taking on new challenges that will test my faith in ways I can't even imagine. So I've decided to go into this year with an open heart toward my fellow men. I'm a very loving person, I always have been. But I have always been better at showing people I love them, rather than saying it. If we're really close, I say I love you a lot, but there are those that I love that I am not so close to. That may not know that I love them because I have never said it out loud. And yes, actions speak louder than words, but having words to go with those actions is always nice. So this is my resolution. To say "I love you" to the people I care about, and to treat those I do not know as if I did know them, and show them love all the same!

It's only been a few days of this resolution being in action, and I have felt a difference. The more I look upon others with love, the happier I am. Who knew that looking for the good in others could make you feel so awesome!? To the guy who cuts me off, I just think to myself that he must have important places to go, and I can't help but wish him well! To the man who honked at me today when I was walking on the side of the road because I was blocking his path, I turned around, smiled and waved, and I've never seen someone look so confused! I've found that we live in an angry and impatient world. A world that is always in a rush, and has no time to give kindness, or look at the beauty this world has to offer. How sad is it that people are surprised by a smile and wave from a stranger? That we would rather look down at a bright little screen, than interact with each other.

My resolution isn't only for me, it is for everyone I come in contact with. I want to be the reason someone has a better day! I want to be the reason someone smiles, just once! Because I am my Father's daughter, and He loves every last person on this planet, so why shouldn't I? This is why I am serving a mission. To show people that there is still love to be found in this world. Because if I can be someone's light in the darkness by showing them kindness, and loving them without fail, then I've done what I am going to be called to do.

"Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed."

So this is my "I love you" resolution. I love my Father in heaven, and I love his children. I'm terrified of going on a mission, but if I get to spend everyday giving people a happiness that lasts for forever, then it's worth it. If you're reading this, know that I love you. And if you need a friend, you can call me. Even if we aren't that close, I have squishy shoulders and they were basically made to be cried on. And let's be real, I basically work in an ice cream shop, and ice cream solves all problems, right? I love you, your Heavenly Father loves you, and you are worth more than you will ever know. I can't wait to serve!