In the last few weeks my mom and I have been having a little bit of a struggle about what to do when I open my mission call. I've wanted a small crowd, she wants me to have a party. And just this last Monday she said something that made me think (she does that a lot). She said something along the lines of, "Spenser, you have made yourself the caboose of your own train for far too long. Now you're going to be the center of attention for one day, dang it. This is going to be about you, and you have reason to be proud. So post it on Facebook, and let people see you for once." In other words, she told me to get the heck out of my own way!
Looking back, I really have made myself the caboose of my own train. I always try to put others first! Haha my friends always complain that I'm acting like their mother. I don't try to, I just want to make sure everyone lives up to their potential and gets what they want. But that usually ends up with me putting myself on the shelf and watching everyone else's lives play out. I can't really decide if it's a bad thing. Well, I guess in the sense of always putting myself second, it is. But I really don't mind it! I like helping people and making them happy. Being the caboose is the best sometimes because you get to see all the progress of the little engine that could! I know I should start putting myself first, but honestly, I don't really know how. I've been the caboose for so long, I don't know if I can make my way up to the front.
I know saying things have been this way for a long time makes you think it started in junior high or something, but it started long before that. I remember times back in NY where if I were playing with a toy and another kid wanted it, I would gladly give it up. I've never been one for contention. In fact, I hate it. I hate having people mad at me. I don't necessarily care if people don't like me, I'm confident enough to know that sometimes personalities just don't mix. But when people are offended by something I've said or done, that really gets to me. Because, believe it or not, I'm a pretty empathetic person. I don't find joy in making other people feel awful (shocking, I know!). And it really doesn't help that I worry about basically everything...because when I can't tell if someone's mad at me, I kind of just assume the worst. And that's definitely something I need to work on, but I'll get there. I don't even know why I'm writing this post. The same 25 people look a my blog anyway, it's not like any of this matters. But it's my blog, and I'll write what I want. So there! Haha looks like I'm putting my opinion first now. Uh-oh, the transformation is already starting.
I'm starting to realize that I deserve more. I know that sounds cocky or whatever, but I really do. My entire life has been spent settling. Especially in the man department. I've always thought that a guy putting me maybe second or third on his list of priorities was good enough for me, because, hey, at least I was on the list. And there has always been that awful thought that I wasn't good enough for him. Well thankfully I'm starting to slowly, but surely, open my eyes to what I deserve. I used to think that a guy telling me, "If I have time, we can do something, but I probably won't, but maybe." was okay. NO! Girls if you're reading this, that is NOT how a man should treat you. Men make time for the people they care about, they don't just squeeze you into their schedule "maybe". Maybe is for losers. You shouldn't have to beg them to grace you with their presence. Go after someone who sets date and time, and opens your doors, and gives you compliments in person, rather than in some copied, and pasted text that he probably sent to six girls before you! You deserve to feel special, and to feel like more than just another tally mark in his playbook. The minute you demand respect is the minute you'll receive it. Sit in that front seat until he walks around the car and opens the door. If you get to the front door before he does, step back and wait until he gets the hint. Don't be a brat about it, but stand your ground, and show him what you expect out of him as a date. Because eventually he'll catch on. And if he doesn't...well then I guess whether or not you keep pursuing him is up to you...but I wouldn't recommend it...even if he's super cute.
Sorry for the rant...just felt that it needed to be said. I guess I'm writing this post because I really am tired of being my own second choice, and everyone else's. I'm tired of being everyone's plan B just because they know I'll always be around. I want to be someone's first choice. And if that's going to start anywhere, I guess it's going to have to start with me. So starting today I am my own first choice. If I don't want to do something with someone, I'm not going to do it. If I don't want to eat something, I'll politely decline. And if I don't want to go on a date with someone, I'm going to FINALLY just say no, instead of making up some lame excuse. Because I have to learn to stop swimming across oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for me. And I have to start doing the things I enjoy doing!
This is going to be one heck of a learning experience, but I know that I can do all things through Christ. I know, I know, I say that in almost every post, but it's something I know to be true! I know that He is my biggest fan, and even if it takes this caboose 25 years to become a head car of her own train, He will be there when it happens.
So, bring it on 2014!
Bring.
It.
ON!
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