Dear Future Daughter

Dear future daughter,

I honestly hope this blog is still a thing when you come around. And I pray that when you come into this world it will be a different world than your father and I live in today. Where young girls can grow up to be presidents, and be seen for something other than their bodies. Today Donald Trump was elected president. I know you'll read about him in your history books, and at this point there won't be much to read besides how everything's "gonna be HUGE". Know that your father and I didn't vote for that man to go into office. And who knows, maybe he'll do great things. But because of some of the things he's done, and said, and the way he portrays himself, your father and I could not bring ourselves to vote for him. 

Oh, but daughter, I have learned so much from this election. I have so many things I want to say, but for now I will keep it to the lessons you should learn before you are put into this situation someday.

1) You don't have to vote for the lesser of two evils. Both of the candidates in this election were not what I believe this country needed. Neither of them were what I wanted, and so I voted for a third party, and I am proud of that choice.

2) Vote. I don't care who for, but if you are old enough, and you are able, you better get voting. We, as women, were not always allowed to do so (as I hope you already know). Hopefully your history books still teach you about Susan B Anthony. She didn't get the chance to vote in her lifetime, but she fought tooth and nail to change that for future generations. Because of her and so many other women, we now have the privilege to vote. So if you don't do it, you know me and your Mimi are gonna come at ya, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

3) Don't you EVER keep your mouth shut when someone touches you in a way you do not approve of. I don't care if he/she is president of the United States of America. You scream at the top of your lungs. You hit them where it hurts. You tell me, even if that makes you a "tattle tale". Even if it's your boyfriend, and he tells you it was consensual because you are in a relationship, and that no one will be on your side. I am ALWAYS on your side. If you did not consent, and you said no, it was NOT consensual.

4) Sometimes the bullies will win, or at least it will look like it. Sometimes people will belittle others to a point where they honestly believe that they are small enough to crush. It might not tell you in your history books, but this was something Trump did a lot during his campaign. He talked about women like they were objects. He talked about Mexicans and called them names I will not repeat. He talked about Muslims, and basically called them all terrorists. All I'm saying is that, you don't have to support he bullies just because you feel like you have to. There will be smaller groups you can follow if people who think the way you do, and love the things you love. And sure, bullies will come at you and try to knock you down, but if you stick with your group you'll be just fine.

5) You are beautiful. I don't know what you look like yet, but I know for a fact that you are beautiful. Don't you ever let someone tell you otherwise, because they will be wrong. You have an incredible father, and I'm going to try to be the best mom I can be for you, but knowing how we will raise you, I already know that you'll have your daddy's heart and that is what will make you beautiful! Don't let someone tell you that you are not beautiful because of your weight, your hair, or literally any other physical attribute. They are wrong, they will always be wrong. You will be beautiful from the day we meet you until the day we meet again on the other side of the veil. 

It's 1:30 AM and I've been crying. I didn't want Trump as a president. I didn't want to think about a world where little girls are being taught that it's okay for a man to touch you unwarranted just because he's in a place of power. But this is the world we live in, my love. Maybe it will be a better world when you come into it, and I pray everyday that it is. Either way, you will make our world a brighter place. I pray that you will have more of a voice than I ever did. I pray that you come into this world kind yet strong, and I pray that you never ever forget that you can be both.

A Year Ago Today

It's amazing what a year can do! This time last year I was more depressed than I've ever been. I was a newlywed who didn't know how to be a wife. I was working a job that didn't pay enough to cover rent, let alone utilities, and groceries. When I left they hired 3 people to to take my job, yet when I was there, they refused to give me a raise because of the empty promise of "we'll be hiring more people soon to split up the work, and our budget is already cut for this year." I was friends with people who weren't really my friends. People who were three feet away from me talking about how annoying it was that I was so sad, rather than reaching out to help me. My husband was gone until 3 AM almost every night at school, and I would get up in the morning at 8 to go to work. I ate my feelings and ended up being the heaviest I'd been since high school. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't talk to anyone, because after overhearing a conversation between two of my "friends" about how annoying I was, I didn't want anyone else to think that. I remember feeling so...dark. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. I felt unlovable, and scared, and unwanted, and really really alone. 

Those were some really awful times, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for them. Those times taught me to be okay by myself. They forced me grow a backbone and stand up when the world wanted to push me down. They taught me that if someone doesn't want to be in your life to LET THEM GO. They taught me that the world will try to make you hard, and that you don't have to let it. They taught me that it is okay to feel your feelings, as long as you know when you start to feel too much. They taught me that seeking professional help doesn't necessarily mean that you're broken, but can put your pieces back together when you are. That time in my life has prepared me for where I am today.

I don't think I would be al alright as I am now, in Evanston, if I hadn't gone through that. I have like two friends here, and they're both busy moms, so I try not to bug them. Joe leaves at 5 AM and gets home at 5 PM. But I have learned to keep myself busy! I take Anabelle on walks, I take myself on runs, I've become a moderator for some body positive pages on Facebook, and I'm doing just fine. I'm looking to get a part time job, and will be starting full time online school in January. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. This time last year, life didn't seem like it was worth half of the crap I was going through. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, my mom, and my therapist for getting me through this time last year. Life is good. I hope you all know that if you're going through some stuff, please know that you can reach out to me! You will not be made to feel like crap for feeling like crap! I love you all, and thank you for reading 💜

Singing In My Corner

When I was little, my mom would put me in time out. After a while she started to notice it wasn't working. This was because I would sit with my nose in the corner and make up songs. I would sing to myself until the timer went off, and then I would frolic away singing my new song, happy as a clam. So lately I've been put in a corner, and I'm trying to make the best of it. Thus, the title of this blog entry.

In the last month or so I moved to Evanston, Wyoming from living off of Capitol Hill in Salt Lake City. Just to put that into perspective I just went from a downtown population of 191,000 people, to a place with 12,000. Where there were once fire engines going off at night, and planes flying over head, there's now a whole lot of silence.  I was a 10 minute walk from downtown Salt Lake City, and City Creek shopping center, and now I'm about a 10 minute walk from the Wal-Mart. I'm also not working yet. This has left me to my own devices from 4:00 AM until 5:00 PM when Joe gets home. I was also just starting to make really good friends in SLC, which I've only ever had a few of, and now those "really good friends" don't really talk to me. It's a lot of change, it's a lot of heartache, and it's been a process for me to cope with, but I think that soon enough I'll finally settle into a groove.

When we moved in, there were at least 20 people from our new ward that came to help. It was such a blessing, and they were all so nice. In the weeks that followed meeting all of those kind people, that kindness did not continue through the rest of the town. Everyone we encountered outside of our ward was incredibly rude, and wanted nothing to do with us. Mind you, I may not be the nicest human on the planet, but Joe IS THE EPITOME OF KINDNESS! And I will tell you what, they were rude to him too. Every grocery store visit is met with a grumpy cashier, every dinner outing is met with rude waiters, and I'm starting to go out and just expect people to be rude to me. I get having a bad day, or week even, but dang Gina! There's a song about this, y'all! "Why you gotta be so ruuuude."

On a positive note, last week we finally got our couch and a washer and dryer 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 had no idea how hard life was without those! I'm actually doing the Dirty Dash with a bunch of girls I don't know, one of them is from my ward, but they all seem really rad. I'm also applying for jobs, and signing up for full time school next month! Woohoo! Anyway, I'm doing my best to stay busy, and sing in my corner. God has a plan, and I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure I'll be just fine. Sorry that this wasn't so much a story, but more of a life update/journal entry. Hope y'all are doing well, and that you have an awesome week ❤️

I Wish

I wish I could let it all go.

I wish I could pretend that it all just didn't happen.

I wish you wouldn't have told me I wasn't good enough.

I wish I hadn't believed you.

I wish I hadn't missed out on high school.

I wish I had tried out for the soccer and basketball teams.

I wish I would have been strong enough to fight you back then.

I wish you knew just what you did to my self esteem.

I wish you could have seen the panic attacks you caused.

I wish you knew the social anxiety I still have.

I wish I could take back the days I ate lunch alone in the locker room.

I wish I would have been smart enough to ignore you. 

I wish you would have accepted me as I was.

I wish you thought before you spoke.

I wish people didn't make excuses for you.

I wish you wouldn't have been a jock.

I wish that teachers would have stopped you from acting the way you did.

I wish that someone would have called you out.

I wish you had to work for the things you want.

I wish you felt bad about the things you did.

I wish I didn't still hear your voices in my head when I go to try something new.

I wish you'd just get fat and go bald already.

I wish your momma taught you manners.

I wish your parents didn't know how you acted.

I wish they didn't avoid eye contact with me because they knew and did nothing.

I wish you would apologize.

I wish that would make it better.

I wish you never called me "Spenie".

I wish you never knew my name.

I wish that your personality was your appearance.

I wish you could see me now.

I wish I could show you that you didn't break me.

I wish you could see the empire I've built for myself from the ground up.

I wish you could see that I am so much more than the girl you bullied back then.

I wish a lot of things.

But wishing is silent.

And I have grown very very tired of being silent.

What I Wish You Could See

I've recently gained a new respect and understanding for missionary work. I myself have found myself doubtful lately. Wondering if God hears me, and if I matter. Hear me out, because I still have a strong testimony, it's just been a little rough lately. Adulting is super hard. Joe is gone until midnight or later every night at school doing homework or studying. I do my best to keep busy, but a lot of the time I'm home alone, and my thoughts do a really good job of making me doubt myself, and my faith.

Last week an old friend messaged me, telling me how she has been down for a while, and wanted to know more about the LDS church. I got so excited! My testimony spilled into my fingers and on to a computer screen faster than I ever thought I could type. All of a sudden all of my doubts and fears were gone, and only one thing mattered. Someone else's happiness, and that's what this gospel is! This gospel is happiness, and love, and eternal progression! This gospel teaches us to love our fellow men, even if we don't support everything they do. This gospel encourages women to be strong, and teaches leadership skills from a young age. And if you don't see that, you've never been to girl's camp or heard of personal progress.

In having my friend see the church through new eyes, I was able to do the same. It was this weird new feeling of excitement, and joy. Because that's what this gospel brings. I know plenty of people who aren't members, in fact I'm pretty sure at least 50% of my friends are either inactive, or have never been members. I am not the kind to shove any religion down anyone's throat, so I tend to keep it to myself. But, oh, how I wish more of the people I love could see the joy and peace this gospel brings.

Families can be together forever, you can keep the love of your life for the rest of eternity, your sins are washed away once a week when you take the sacrament, and there is more peace and love that comes from your Heavenly Father than you ever thought possible! I believe in this gospel with all my heart and soul. Yeah, the word of wisdom isn't always super easy to live by, but it's so beyond worth it! I've lived without the gospel, I've even researched other religions, and yeah, you can be happy, and even live a fulfilling life without the gospel. But when it comes to true, and everlasting happiness, in this moment and in the here after, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only place I've found it.

I won't shove it down your throat, no. I don't work like that. But if you asked me, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it, and better yet, get you in touch with some awesome sister missionaries who know a heck of a lot more than I do! 

I love you all, and I hope your lives are treating you super well :)

It's Okay

I've been saying this to myself a lot lately. "It's okay that you're working full time.", "It's okay that you never see Joe and he isn't home from school until after midnight.", "It's okay if you don't turn left right now, you can wait, who cares if they honk, you're staying safe.", "It's okay that you're alone a lot of the time.", "It's okay that people don't like you, their opinion of you shouldn't matter.", "It's okay that there are lots of bills to pay.", "It's okay that the camera you just bought is broken.", "It's okay that you do yoga in the middle of your living room in the middle of the night.", "It's all going to be okay."

In all reality, I do know, deep down, that everything is okay. I know that we have enough money for rent, car payments, insurance, food, and phones. I know that Joe is only gone because he loves me and works super hard so that he can graduate. I know that having expectations of others is just a setup for disappointment. I know all of this. But sometimes it feels like the world is crashing down around your feet, and you're left to pick up the pieces.

Just in the last year I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure I've had it most of my life, but I didn't know what it was until I got in my car accident last May. It's a lot like getting glasses for the first time. You grew up thinking everyone else saw in blurred shapes, and all of a sudden everything is clear and wonderful. For me, finding out that I had anxiety was not wonderful, it was not celebrated, and it was not fun. I came out of a counseling office feeling more broken than when I'd gone in. To some people knowing that there was a name for what they had was a relief, but for me it was just another thing to try to hide. I mean, there's enough wrong with me as is, like I needed a name for my crazy. I felt like having a mental illness made me less than, that people would judge me, and that I all of a sudden would be treated differently.

After a while I accepted it. It was a part of who I was. I get in too stressful of a situation, and I get an anxiety attack. And let me tell you, anxiety attacks come in all shapes and sizes. Here's some examples:

• Feelings of apprehension or dread
• Trouble concentrating
• Feeling tense and jumpy
• Anticipating the worst
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Watching for signs of danger
• Feeling like your mind’s gone blank

• Surge of overwhelming panic
• Feeling of losing control or going crazy
• Heart palpitations or chest pain
• Feeling like you’re going to pass out
• Trouble breathing or choking sensation
• Hyperventilation
• Hot flashes or chills
• Trembling or shaking
• Nausea or stomach cramps
• Feeling detached or unreal

I let my anxiety run my life for a long time. I didn't try out for sports, or really anything besides choir in high school for fear that I would fail. I didn't try that hard at my grades, because if I got a C, at least it wasn't an F. I am what people like to call a "realistic optimist" where I expect the worst, but hope for the best. I never did like to be disappointed. I felt a constant need for closure and praise from others because my anxiety made me doubt every decision I made. I had this need to be liked, and loved, and honestly, expecting everyone to love you for you is a fantasy. It will never happen. You will never be good enough for everyone, and it's okay.

It took me about six months of dating Joe to realize that the opinions of people around us shouldn't have had an impact on how we felt about each other. I let people get in the way of my happiness with Joe for a good long time, and because of that, there was an unneeded stress on our relationship. But, because of that I reached out for help with my anxiety, and found out what was actually wrong with me.

Nowadays, everyone has "anxiety", but for those of us who do have it, it is a very real battle we fight everyday. Everyone gets anxiety over stuff sometimes, but for people with anxiety disorder, it's like feeling like you're always reaching for something you just can't quite touch. More and more I'm becoming accustomed to the fact that mental illness is real and it can take a hold on your life if you let it. Every day I'm learning. It's okay to not be okay, because someday it will be okay, even if that day isn't today.

It's okay.

I promise

My Story of Weight Loss: Behind The Scenes

Since I was little bitty I've struggled with my weight. Constantly eating to fill some form of hole left by my parents divorce, the sob story could go on and on but we'll leave it there. Sneaking food into the bathroom. Buying candy and hiding it in my pillowcase to eat late at night. These are all things I did to eat basically all the food in the house. (Sorry, mom...you're going to learn a lot about me in this post)

I got to a point where I was 10 years old and 115 pounds. So I made a bet with my mom and stopped eating sugar, and that lasted for about 3 years, I got really skinny, and started Jr. High. Let me just tell you, girls SUCK in Jr. High. I put on a bunch of weight again between 7th-8th grade because people bullied me and I ate my feelings. I started liking a boy right after 8th grade. He was manipulative to say the least. He always made me feel bad about myself, talking about how his previous girlfriend was a swimmer and looked so much better and skinnier than I did, and blah blah blah. So I started eating less, because I needed this boy to like me. Kind of one of those things where the more uninterested they are in you, the more you obsess over them? Yeah that was my 14-15 year old self. About 1000 calories a day to be exact. I made sure to stay at a decent weight so that no one would suspect anything. I never got to be skin and bones, but I was what any doctor would consider anorexic. Anorexia nervosa comes in all different shapes and sizes. It comes with being obsessive about your weight, weighing yourself over 10 times a day. Spitting into the sink over and over just to make sure you're at your least possible weight. Not eating for 24 hours just to see how much you weigh when you don't have food in your belly. It makes your hair brittle and impossible to grow. It makes you anxious, and constantly worried that someone is going to find out about you skipping meals and make you eat. Making sure you don't eat around people so that they can't see just how little you're eating. Becoming obsessed with exercise. Crazy mood swings. It literally turns you into a mess. This went on for about two or three years, the boy and I dated off and on, and then I finally realized that this boy wasn't worth the trouble, and I dropped him. I started eating again, and when I say eating I mean EATING. It was an amazing feeling to finally feel full again, but it came at a price.

In the space of a year, I went from 170 lbs to 220 lbs. I wore a size 18 in pants, and I wore a 1XL in shirts. I couldn't wear shorts because of my cellulite, I never went swimming, and if I did I made sure no one took pictures. I basically hid inside all summer, and I hated myself.

The summer between 11-12 grade, I lost some weight, only about 30 pounds, but it was still significant. After high school I made it my goal to get even skinnier and show all of the people who had made fun of me, or looked down on me, that I was worth something. So I went to my doctor and got on a diet pill called phentermine. I would work out for 3 hours at the gym, because that pill is basically legalized speed, eat maybe one meal a day, and I fell back into the spiral that was anorexia. I'm not proud of myself for taking diet pills. They made me crazy and filled me with rage all the time. My mouth was always dry and my breath always smelled bad because of it. But I was determined!

After the pills were gone, I put on a little bit of weight again, but then I started eating 1200 calories a day and got down to my goal weight of 160 pounds. This was in the beginning of me dating Joe. In the middle of our courtship, the holidays came and I put on weight. I felt terrible about myself, so I kept eating. I know that sounds stupid to most, because it doesn't make sense to keep eating when you feel bad about being fat. But here's the thing. I'm addicted to food. I honestly believe this. BUT I am also obsessive over my weight. It makes balancing my weight incredibly difficult. But every day I'm learning what works and what doesn't.

I'm not writing this blog post to throw a pity party, I'm writing it to bring attention to anorexia nervosa. To bring attention to all eating disorders. People don't have to be skin and bone to be anorexic. Those who suffer from anorexia tend to be perfectionists, and because they're detail oriented they are very good at hiding all symptoms. Be aware of the people you love. Watch for sudden weight loss. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. Let them know that you care. In my case, my mom never knew because like I said, I kept myself at a pretty steady weight. She knew that I was obsessive with my weight but she was proud of me for taking control of my weight gain. She thought I was just making right choices in my diet, she didn't know I was skipping meals. How could she? I was never home! Working a full time job, and having a social life, she just thought I was a happy little college kid who finally figured out her weight struggle.

I am not the weight I want to be right now. I eat too much, and I know it. I'm trying to do better every day. I just spent a ton of money on lean cuisines so that I'll stop going out to eat, I just bought new running shoes so that I can start running again. Baby steps, that's how I take every day. I hope none of you read this and feel sorry for me, because I don't want you to. I want you to read this and know that I feel empowered, and I finally feel under control, and that I think things are finally starting to change. I wanted to write this to let you know that not everything you see on social media is true. I talked about how I was losing weight because I was eating healthy...that was a big fat lie. Fitness blogs can be fake. Instagram photos can be photoshopped with an app on an iphone. Hardly anything you see is real anymore. So stop comparing yourself to that fitness blog, or that "thinspo" instagram. Because it isn't always real. Don't compare yourself to an illusion. Because you're real. You will always be real. You can't photoshop reality, but don't we wish we could. So girls, please please please just be yourselves and let people love you the way you are. Because you're worth so much more than you know. Heavenly Father loves you the same at 100 lbs and 300 lbs. Just love yourself, because you have to be around you every single day. You might as well enjoy it :)