A Year Ago Today

It's amazing what a year can do! This time last year I was more depressed than I've ever been. I was a newlywed who didn't know how to be a wife. I was working a job that didn't pay enough to cover rent, let alone utilities, and groceries. When I left they hired 3 people to to take my job, yet when I was there, they refused to give me a raise because of the empty promise of "we'll be hiring more people soon to split up the work, and our budget is already cut for this year." I was friends with people who weren't really my friends. People who were three feet away from me talking about how annoying it was that I was so sad, rather than reaching out to help me. My husband was gone until 3 AM almost every night at school, and I would get up in the morning at 8 to go to work. I ate my feelings and ended up being the heaviest I'd been since high school. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't talk to anyone, because after overhearing a conversation between two of my "friends" about how annoying I was, I didn't want anyone else to think that. I remember feeling so...dark. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. I felt unlovable, and scared, and unwanted, and really really alone. 

Those were some really awful times, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for them. Those times taught me to be okay by myself. They forced me grow a backbone and stand up when the world wanted to push me down. They taught me that if someone doesn't want to be in your life to LET THEM GO. They taught me that the world will try to make you hard, and that you don't have to let it. They taught me that it is okay to feel your feelings, as long as you know when you start to feel too much. They taught me that seeking professional help doesn't necessarily mean that you're broken, but can put your pieces back together when you are. That time in my life has prepared me for where I am today.

I don't think I would be al alright as I am now, in Evanston, if I hadn't gone through that. I have like two friends here, and they're both busy moms, so I try not to bug them. Joe leaves at 5 AM and gets home at 5 PM. But I have learned to keep myself busy! I take Anabelle on walks, I take myself on runs, I've become a moderator for some body positive pages on Facebook, and I'm doing just fine. I'm looking to get a part time job, and will be starting full time online school in January. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. This time last year, life didn't seem like it was worth half of the crap I was going through. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, my mom, and my therapist for getting me through this time last year. Life is good. I hope you all know that if you're going through some stuff, please know that you can reach out to me! You will not be made to feel like crap for feeling like crap! I love you all, and thank you for reading 💜