In all reality, I do know, deep down, that everything is okay. I know that we have enough money for rent, car payments, insurance, food, and phones. I know that Joe is only gone because he loves me and works super hard so that he can graduate. I know that having expectations of others is just a setup for disappointment. I know all of this. But sometimes it feels like the world is crashing down around your feet, and you're left to pick up the pieces.
Just in the last year I found out I have an anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure I've had it most of my life, but I didn't know what it was until I got in my car accident last May. It's a lot like getting glasses for the first time. You grew up thinking everyone else saw in blurred shapes, and all of a sudden everything is clear and wonderful. For me, finding out that I had anxiety was not wonderful, it was not celebrated, and it was not fun. I came out of a counseling office feeling more broken than when I'd gone in. To some people knowing that there was a name for what they had was a relief, but for me it was just another thing to try to hide. I mean, there's enough wrong with me as is, like I needed a name for my crazy. I felt like having a mental illness made me less than, that people would judge me, and that I all of a sudden would be treated differently.
After a while I accepted it. It was a part of who I was. I get in too stressful of a situation, and I get an anxiety attack. And let me tell you, anxiety attacks come in all shapes and sizes. Here's some examples:
- Feelings of apprehension or dread
- Trouble concentrating
- Feeling tense and jumpy
- Anticipating the worst
- Irritability
- Restlessness
- Watching for signs of danger
- Feeling like your mind’s gone blank
- Surge of overwhelming panic
- Feeling of losing control or going crazy
- Heart palpitations or chest pain
- Feeling like you’re going to pass out
- Trouble breathing or choking sensation
- Hyperventilation
- Hot flashes or chills
- Trembling or shaking
- Nausea or stomach cramps
- Feeling detached or unreal
I let my anxiety run my life for a long time. I didn't try out for sports, or really anything besides choir in high school for fear that I would fail. I didn't try that hard at my grades, because if I got a C, at least it wasn't an F. I am what people like to call a "realistic optimist" where I expect the worst, but hope for the best. I never did like to be disappointed. I felt a constant need for closure and praise from others because my anxiety made me doubt every decision I made. I had this need to be liked, and loved, and honestly, expecting everyone to love you for you is a fantasy. It will never happen. You will never be good enough for everyone, and it's okay.
It took me about six months of dating Joe to realize that the opinions of people around us shouldn't have had an impact on how we felt about each other. I let people get in the way of my happiness with Joe for a good long time, and because of that, there was an unneeded stress on our relationship. But, because of that I reached out for help with my anxiety, and found out what was actually wrong with me.
Nowadays, everyone has "anxiety", but for those of us who do have it, it is a very real battle we fight everyday. Everyone gets anxiety over stuff sometimes, but for people with anxiety disorder, it's like feeling like you're always reaching for something you just can't quite touch. More and more I'm becoming accustomed to the fact that mental illness is real and it can take a hold on your life if you let it. Every day I'm learning. It's okay to not be okay, because someday it will be okay, even if that day isn't today.
It's okay.
I promise
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