Since I was little bitty I've struggled with my weight. Constantly eating to fill some form of hole left by my parents divorce, the sob story could go on and on but we'll leave it there. Sneaking food into the bathroom. Buying candy and hiding it in my pillowcase to eat late at night. These are all things I did to eat basically all the food in the house. (Sorry, mom...you're going to learn a lot about me in this post)
I got to a point where I was 10 years old and 115 pounds. So I made a bet with my mom and stopped eating sugar, and that lasted for about 3 years, I got really skinny, and started Jr. High. Let me just tell you, girls SUCK in Jr. High. I put on a bunch of weight again between 7th-8th grade because people bullied me and I ate my feelings. I started liking a boy right after 8th grade. He was manipulative to say the least. He always made me feel bad about myself, talking about how his previous girlfriend was a swimmer and looked so much better and skinnier than I did, and blah blah blah. So I started eating less, because I needed this boy to like me. Kind of one of those things where the more uninterested they are in you, the more you obsess over them? Yeah that was my 14-15 year old self. About 1000 calories a day to be exact. I made sure to stay at a decent weight so that no one would suspect anything. I never got to be skin and bones, but I was what any doctor would consider anorexic. Anorexia nervosa comes in all different shapes and sizes. It comes with being obsessive about your weight, weighing yourself over 10 times a day. Spitting into the sink over and over just to make sure you're at your least possible weight. Not eating for 24 hours just to see how much you weigh when you don't have food in your belly. It makes your hair brittle and impossible to grow. It makes you anxious, and constantly worried that someone is going to find out about you skipping meals and make you eat. Making sure you don't eat around people so that they can't see just how little you're eating. Becoming obsessed with exercise. Crazy mood swings. It literally turns you into a mess. This went on for about two or three years, the boy and I dated off and on, and then I finally realized that this boy wasn't worth the trouble, and I dropped him. I started eating again, and when I say eating I mean EATING. It was an amazing feeling to finally feel full again, but it came at a price.
In the space of a year, I went from 170 lbs to 220 lbs. I wore a size 18 in pants, and I wore a 1XL in shirts. I couldn't wear shorts because of my cellulite, I never went swimming, and if I did I made sure no one took pictures. I basically hid inside all summer, and I hated myself.
The summer between 11-12 grade, I lost some weight, only about 30 pounds, but it was still significant. After high school I made it my goal to get even skinnier and show all of the people who had made fun of me, or looked down on me, that I was worth something. So I went to my doctor and got on a diet pill called phentermine. I would work out for 3 hours at the gym, because that pill is basically legalized speed, eat maybe one meal a day, and I fell back into the spiral that was anorexia. I'm not proud of myself for taking diet pills. They made me crazy and filled me with rage all the time. My mouth was always dry and my breath always smelled bad because of it. But I was determined!
After the pills were gone, I put on a little bit of weight again, but then I started eating 1200 calories a day and got down to my goal weight of 160 pounds. This was in the beginning of me dating Joe. In the middle of our courtship, the holidays came and I put on weight. I felt terrible about myself, so I kept eating. I know that sounds stupid to most, because it doesn't make sense to keep eating when you feel bad about being fat. But here's the thing. I'm addicted to food. I honestly believe this. BUT I am also obsessive over my weight. It makes balancing my weight incredibly difficult. But every day I'm learning what works and what doesn't.
I'm not writing this blog post to throw a pity party, I'm writing it to bring attention to anorexia nervosa. To bring attention to all eating disorders. People don't have to be skin and bone to be anorexic. Those who suffer from anorexia tend to be perfectionists, and because they're detail oriented they are very good at hiding all symptoms. Be aware of the people you love. Watch for sudden weight loss. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. Let them know that you care. In my case, my mom never knew because like I said, I kept myself at a pretty steady weight. She knew that I was obsessive with my weight but she was proud of me for taking control of my weight gain. She thought I was just making right choices in my diet, she didn't know I was skipping meals. How could she? I was never home! Working a full time job, and having a social life, she just thought I was a happy little college kid who finally figured out her weight struggle.
I am not the weight I want to be right now. I eat too much, and I know it. I'm trying to do better every day. I just spent a ton of money on lean cuisines so that I'll stop going out to eat, I just bought new running shoes so that I can start running again. Baby steps, that's how I take every day. I hope none of you read this and feel sorry for me, because I don't want you to. I want you to read this and know that I feel empowered, and I finally feel under control, and that I think things are finally starting to change. I wanted to write this to let you know that not everything you see on social media is true. I talked about how I was losing weight because I was eating healthy...that was a big fat lie. Fitness blogs can be fake. Instagram photos can be photoshopped with an app on an iphone. Hardly anything you see is real anymore. So stop comparing yourself to that fitness blog, or that "thinspo" instagram. Because it isn't always real. Don't compare yourself to an illusion. Because you're real. You will always be real. You can't photoshop reality, but don't we wish we could. So girls, please please please just be yourselves and let people love you the way you are. Because you're worth so much more than you know. Heavenly Father loves you the same at 100 lbs and 300 lbs. Just love yourself, because you have to be around you every single day. You might as well enjoy it :)
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