I Didn't Give You A Missionary

As many of you know this last week I went through the temple and received my endowments. Since then I've been reflecting on my life and thinking about the things I could and could not change about myself that have made me a better person. And of course searching through my old FB posts I saw how excited I was to go on a mission. And all the feels kicked right in.

I was so prepared. I felt so ready and I worked so hard to be where I was. I wanted so badly to give my family a missionary. Someone they could brag about and talk about how much good I was doing in the Lord's work. Granted, my mission plan was never about me, but will all of the "proud missionary mommy" posts, you definitely think about it.

But looking back, I'm not ashamed of not going on a mission. Heavenly Father said no, and as heart breaking and testimony shaking as that was, I wouldn't take it back. No, I didn't give you a missionary to talk about. In fact, I kind of feel like the only 19 year old left in Utah. But I did give myself something to be proud of.

I am now currently an endowed member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I LOVE. I am dating an incredible young man who loves, respects, and cares for me. I have members of my family (and friends on the social media) who probably think I just didn't go on a mission because I was scared, but quite honestly, I don't care what they think anymore. I had to do what was best for me, and what my Father in heaven wanted me to do. Trust me, not going on a mission almost broke my faith. It took a girl who had the rest of her life for 18 months planned out, to a girl who had zero direction and no where to go. Because in my head, why would Heavenly Father have me prepare for a mission for a year, and not have me go!? I'll tell you why.

I needed to develop new habits. I needed to read my scriptures every night and pray for forgiveness every single day. I needed to not just brush off my church responsibilities because "someone else will take care of it", so he made me the Activities Co-Chair in my singles ward. He needed me to develop a work ethic where I would be able to work a full time job and attend full time night school and not bat an eyelash. HE needed ME to learn. He knew that mission preparation was the only way he could really teach me what I needed to know. And look how far I've come!

I now work for an incredible company, have a companion who only wants the best for me, a family who loves me, and a church that has taught me that I am enough just as I am, but to never stop progressing.

So no, I didn't give you a missionary. But that shouldn't matter. Because I'm doing what's best for me, and following the promptings of my Heavenly Father, and that should be enough.