Laying Down My Weapons

This last month has really put my faith to the test. From car accidents, to losing friends, to loved ones passing, and now there is what I hate to call "drama". Which, is something I prefer steer clear of, thus why I hang out with dudes. Sorry but girls kinda suck sometimes. To me it's like, if you see a cow in the middle of the road, you go around it because you know the damage it can do. Well sometimes cows like to step in front of cars without warning, and sometimes drama, like cows, just cannot be avoided.

Considering the amount of head-on collisions I've been in, you'd think I'd know what to do when I hit that cow in my road of life. But the difference between that and this, is that even though head on collisions happen without warning, at least you know that the people you love have your back, and worry about whether or not you're okay, even if the accident is your fault. When people decide that it's time to try to flip your life upside-down, they cut off your resources. They start with your friends, they won't mess with your family, but tend to end with your church leaders, even though they never found it necessary to come to you about it. Sadly enough, this has happened before, and it's the main reason I moved my rear to Farmington. But I guess I'm learning that there will be a cow in the road wherever you go, and the people you love will not always be the people you thought they were, regardless of how well you think you know them.

My question is, how many accidents does it take in a month to learn what God intends for us to learn? Sometimes I look at the sky and think, "Really!?" But I know He has a plan, and sadly enough, I know what He's trying to teach me.

I've always been stubborn. I've always been the loud, bold, spunky human, that scares the shy and loves to laugh! I've always had trouble being patient, and I like to think I'm an intelligent being, so being wrong isn't really my strong suit. But taking a step back and thinking about this, in the last month, I've been in a car wreck where the fault shouldn't have been mine, but it was. I've ended what could have been a relationship that didn't necessarily have to end, but I know in my heart that it did. And now I have to be apologetic to someone who, in my opinion, doesn't deserve my energy, but I'm gonna give it the best I've got. And here's why.

Because I love my Lord. I was going to say "The Lord", but I like to think of Him as mine. He is my brother, He suffered for my sins, and HE loves ME no matter what. And today we sang a hymn in sacrament meeting that will not leave me alone. It's Hymn 183, "In Remembrance of Thy Suffering". In the first verse it says, "We've forgiven as thou biddest all who've trespassed against us. Lord forgive as we've forgiven all thou seest amiss in us." And if that didn't send the message loud and clear, I'm pretty sure the next step would have been getting struck by lightening.

Last time something like this happened, I ran from it. Out of fear and annoyance I ran away to Farmington to start myself over. But like I said, there will always be a cow in the road. And this time I am strong enough to raise my white flag, and admit my surrender. Not for the sake of the other person, but for the sake of my own salvation and my own peace. That sounds selfish, but hey, I'm the only person in charge of getting back to my Daddy in Heaven, so I'll do whatever it takes to get there. Because God knows that I am an imperfect being, that I am not one to lay my weapons down and let myself be slain, just for the sake of peace. I raise Hell because I was not made to be silent. But I am learning to be humble. I am learning to turn to Him and lay my weapons down, because it is more important to win the war with the Adversary, than it is to lose focus on that war because of a battle with someone who makes you want to run far away from the church. This church is made of imperfect people, I am one of those imperfect members. Brothers and sisters, it is more important to lay your weapons down when fighting with each other. We are all on the same team, and we all have the same goal. If we are going to lift our weapons, we should lift them against the one common enemy. Our testimony of Heavenly Father should be our one and only weapon. Because against Satan, it can only do harm. And against humans, it can only help.

I love this gospel more than I hate laying down my weapons. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I will not be still. My faith cannot be shaken by a car accident, a boy, or a cow in the road. I know He lives, and I know He loves me, and has my back. Even. When. I'm. Wrong.