A Change Of Plans

Dear reader,

As many of you know I was planning on submitting my papers to recieve my mission call by next Wednesday. Well that's not going to happen. I don't owe any of you an explanation, but I figure you might as well hear it from me, rather than let your imagination think the worst of me.

I met with my stake president this last Sunday with the full intention of submitting my papers and getting my call. I've been so excited, and have been preparing for what to me has felt like ages. When I walked into his office, I heard a small voice in the back of my head say, "don't go until august." When I heard this I brushed it off. I've been preparing for a while and feel ready to serve, and gosh darn it if I can go in May, I'm gonna! But as that meeting progressed, that feeling of "Go in august" kept getting stronger and stronger. Finally I realized that it wasn't my doubts giving me this feeling, it was the spirit. I finally gave in. Bursting into tears in front of someone I didnt know, I told my stake president I shouldn't go until august. He looked confused, but trust me, I was just as confused as he was, if not more. He asked if it was due to money issues and I said no. He asked me if I felt there were morality issues I should have resolved, and I couldn't help but laugh a bit (this girl can barely get herself a date). So he asked why I shouldn't, and I just told him I felt really strongly that I needed to wait, but made it very clear I don't want to. And he said that if I'm supposed to serve now, I'll still be able to serve three months later.

Three months may not seem like a long time to you, but for me it sounds like ages. Satan is already working his way into the cracks of my self esteem and telling me I'm not good enough. So giving him three extra months to do so, isn't exactly something I'm excited to do. Making the decision to go on a mission was already one that I struggled with. So the fact that I finally put my foot down and made the decision was a big deal. And having the spirit tell me that I have to wait, isn't making this any easier.

I'm trying not to be mad at God, but it's really hard to be happy with this decision when I feel so ready to serve. But I know I will be blessed for my obedience. And there's obviously something God knows that I don't. So there's something I need to do, or something I need to learn, or someone I need to help in these extra three months.

Thankfully I have cousins who rock my world and know exactly what to do. And after lots of crying and brainstorming, I'm ready to forget myself and go to work. My gameplan is to lose myself in the service of my fellow men. If I can't serve a mission and spread the word of my Lord and Savior wearing a name tag until August, then you better believe I'm going to be serving without a name tag until then.

So I won't be getting my call for a while. And I won't be able to go through the temple until April. So if you ever need help, call me up because I'm more than willing!

Guys, this isn't easy for me. And I'm not just pushing this off because I'm scared. My heart really is breaking right now, so I could really use your prayers. Please help me through this, because I can't do this alone. I love you all and thank you for your support.

Sincerely,

(a later rather than sooner to-be)

Sister Owens 

Missionary Work and The Temple

There are lots of reasons people leave the church nowadays. And I think it's safe to say that a lot of them leave due to misunderstanding. In Utah, I feel like missionary work is hard to do. You want your non-member friends to know of the truth and happiness you hold so dear, but you also don't want to just be another "super Mormon" shoving it down their throat. I've prayed for missionary opportunities, but none have really come my way...except for a really cute pot head that recently came my way...but I'm not one to flirt to convert, and I ain't about that life. Hugs, not drugs! ANYWAY, I feel like it bugs a lot of people that even if a person is an amazing human, but isn't a member of the faith, they can't obtain Celestial glory. Well if you're one of those people, I've got news for you. They will be saved through temple ordinances. God has a plan, and that is EXACLY why we do work for the dead. Sometimes people aren't ready to receive the word while they're living. So bringing it back to missionary work, I finally realized that I've been doing missionary work weekly since September. Thank heaven for Temple Tuesday!!!

Through doing baptisms for the dead every week, I've done about 150 baptisms and 150 confirmations. That's 300 souls on the other side that much closer to eternal glory! And I got to help!  Having not been endowed yet and going to the temple, you feel like everyone is talking to you like you're five years old. "Honey, you'll understand when you're older." gets pretty darn annoying. But doing baptisms for the dead is like being little and helping mom make cookies! She may not let you put them in and out of the oven, but you definitely helped make those delicious cookies happen! That's how I've learned to see it! You're only too little for so long, so enjoy it!
Missionary work is missionary work whether for the living, or for the dead. I strongly believe that to be true, and my mom once told me that the work you do for those who have passed on, the more angels you have looking out for you and praying for your well being! I think we could all use a little extra help every now and then, and who better to help us than our brothers and sisters!
I used to go to the temple for my own peace of mind, but I now go for the sake of my brothers and sisters I haven't had the joy of meeting yet. For the souls of those who have waited so long to find happiness. Who have prepared themselves for the moment they come out of the waters of baptism, and get that much closer to meeting their maker! I get to help with that!? I get to be a part of something that awesome!? You better believe I'm going every week! And in doing baptisms weekly, I've learned to love people I've never met, and what better way to prepare for a mission than to do missionary work!?
If you have the opportunity to attend the temple and do saving ordinances for the dead, I stongly suggest you go and do it! If you can' t go to the temple right now, I encourage you to take whatever steps necessary to attend! Because it is where you are closest to your Heavenly Father, and I can't even express to you the blessings it has brought into my life! The temple is my favorite place, and I don't know where I'd be without this glorious gospel! The church is true, and if you don't know that for yourself, I pray that you seek out truth in this gospel. Because I promise you that you will find it!

The Caboose of My Own Train

In the last few weeks my mom and I have been having a little bit of a struggle about what to do when I open my mission call. I've wanted a small crowd, she wants me to have a party. And just this last Monday she said something that made me think (she does that a lot). She said something along the lines of, "Spenser, you have made yourself the caboose of your own train for far too long. Now you're going to be the center of attention for one day, dang it. This is going to be about you, and you have reason to be proud. So post it on Facebook, and let people see you for once." In other words, she told me to get the heck out of my own way!
Looking back, I really have made myself the caboose of my own train. I always try to put others first! Haha my friends always complain that I'm acting like their mother. I don't try to, I just want to make sure everyone lives up to their potential and gets what they want. But that usually ends up with me putting myself on the shelf and watching everyone else's lives play out. I can't really decide if it's a bad thing. Well, I guess in the sense of always putting myself second, it is. But I really don't mind it! I like helping people and making them happy. Being the caboose is the best sometimes because you get to see all the progress of the little engine that could! I know I should start putting myself first, but honestly, I don't really know how. I've been the caboose for so long, I don't know if I can make my way up to the front.
I know saying things have been this way for a long time makes you think it started in junior high or something, but it started long before that. I remember times back in NY where if I were playing with a toy and another kid wanted it, I would gladly give it up. I've never been one for contention. In fact, I hate it. I hate having people mad at me. I don't necessarily care if people don't like me, I'm confident enough to know that sometimes personalities just don't mix. But when people are offended by something I've said or done, that really gets to me. Because, believe it or not, I'm a pretty empathetic person. I don't find joy in making other people feel awful (shocking, I know!). And it really doesn't help that I worry about basically everything...because when I can't tell if someone's mad at me, I kind of just assume the worst. And that's definitely something I need to work on, but I'll get there. I don't even know why I'm writing this post. The same 25 people look a my blog anyway, it's not like any of this matters. But it's my blog, and I'll write what I want. So there! Haha looks like I'm putting my opinion first now. Uh-oh, the transformation is already starting.
I'm starting to realize that I deserve more. I know that sounds cocky or whatever, but I really do. My entire life has been spent settling. Especially in the man department. I've always thought that a guy putting me maybe second or third on his list of priorities was good enough for me, because, hey, at least I was on the list. And there has always been that awful thought that I wasn't good enough for him. Well thankfully I'm starting to slowly, but surely, open my eyes to what I deserve. I used to think that a guy telling me, "If I have time, we can do something, but I probably won't, but maybe." was okay. NO! Girls if you're reading this, that is NOT how a man should treat you. Men make time for the people they care about, they don't just squeeze you into their schedule "maybe". Maybe is for losers. You shouldn't have to beg them to grace you with their presence. Go after someone who sets date and time, and opens your doors, and gives you compliments in person, rather than in some copied, and pasted text that he probably sent to six girls before you! You deserve to feel special, and to feel like more than just another tally mark in his playbook. The minute you demand respect is the minute you'll receive it. Sit in that front seat until he walks around the car and opens the door. If you get to the front door before he does, step back and wait until he gets the hint. Don't be a brat about it, but stand your ground, and show him what you expect out of him as a date. Because eventually he'll catch on. And if he doesn't...well then I guess whether or not you keep pursuing him is up to you...but I wouldn't recommend it...even if he's super cute.
Sorry for the rant...just felt that it needed to be said. I guess I'm writing this post because I really am tired of being my own second choice, and everyone else's. I'm tired of being everyone's plan B just because they know I'll always be around. I want to be someone's first choice. And if that's going to start anywhere, I guess it's going to have to start with me. So starting today I am my own first choice. If I don't want to do something with someone, I'm not going to do it. If I don't want to eat something, I'll politely decline. And if I don't want to go on a date with someone, I'm going to FINALLY just say no, instead of making up some lame excuse. Because I have to learn to stop swimming across oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for me. And I have to start doing the things I enjoy doing!
This is going to be one heck of a learning experience, but I know that I can do all things through Christ. I know, I know, I say that in almost every post, but it's something I know to be true! I know that He is my biggest fan, and even if it takes this caboose 25 years to become a head car of her own train, He will be there when it happens.
So, bring it on 2014!
Bring.
It.
ON!

My I Love You Resolution

I am not one for new years resolutions. I honestly don't think I've made one since I was probably 10 years old. But I've decided that I might as well make one this year considering it's gonna be a big one. With serving my mission, and taking on new challenges that will test my faith in ways I can't even imagine. So I've decided to go into this year with an open heart toward my fellow men. I'm a very loving person, I always have been. But I have always been better at showing people I love them, rather than saying it. If we're really close, I say I love you a lot, but there are those that I love that I am not so close to. That may not know that I love them because I have never said it out loud. And yes, actions speak louder than words, but having words to go with those actions is always nice. So this is my resolution. To say "I love you" to the people I care about, and to treat those I do not know as if I did know them, and show them love all the same!

It's only been a few days of this resolution being in action, and I have felt a difference. The more I look upon others with love, the happier I am. Who knew that looking for the good in others could make you feel so awesome!? To the guy who cuts me off, I just think to myself that he must have important places to go, and I can't help but wish him well! To the man who honked at me today when I was walking on the side of the road because I was blocking his path, I turned around, smiled and waved, and I've never seen someone look so confused! I've found that we live in an angry and impatient world. A world that is always in a rush, and has no time to give kindness, or look at the beauty this world has to offer. How sad is it that people are surprised by a smile and wave from a stranger? That we would rather look down at a bright little screen, than interact with each other.

My resolution isn't only for me, it is for everyone I come in contact with. I want to be the reason someone has a better day! I want to be the reason someone smiles, just once! Because I am my Father's daughter, and He loves every last person on this planet, so why shouldn't I? This is why I am serving a mission. To show people that there is still love to be found in this world. Because if I can be someone's light in the darkness by showing them kindness, and loving them without fail, then I've done what I am going to be called to do.

"Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed."

So this is my "I love you" resolution. I love my Father in heaven, and I love his children. I'm terrified of going on a mission, but if I get to spend everyday giving people a happiness that lasts for forever, then it's worth it. If you're reading this, know that I love you. And if you need a friend, you can call me. Even if we aren't that close, I have squishy shoulders and they were basically made to be cried on. And let's be real, I basically work in an ice cream shop, and ice cream solves all problems, right? I love you, your Heavenly Father loves you, and you are worth more than you will ever know. I can't wait to serve!