Dear Future Daughter

Dear future daughter,

I honestly hope this blog is still a thing when you come around. And I pray that when you come into this world it will be a different world than your father and I live in today. Where young girls can grow up to be presidents, and be seen for something other than their bodies. Today Donald Trump was elected president. I know you'll read about him in your history books, and at this point there won't be much to read besides how everything's "gonna be HUGE". Know that your father and I didn't vote for that man to go into office. And who knows, maybe he'll do great things. But because of some of the things he's done, and said, and the way he portrays himself, your father and I could not bring ourselves to vote for him. 

Oh, but daughter, I have learned so much from this election. I have so many things I want to say, but for now I will keep it to the lessons you should learn before you are put into this situation someday.

1) You don't have to vote for the lesser of two evils. Both of the candidates in this election were not what I believe this country needed. Neither of them were what I wanted, and so I voted for a third party, and I am proud of that choice.

2) Vote. I don't care who for, but if you are old enough, and you are able, you better get voting. We, as women, were not always allowed to do so (as I hope you already know). Hopefully your history books still teach you about Susan B Anthony. She didn't get the chance to vote in her lifetime, but she fought tooth and nail to change that for future generations. Because of her and so many other women, we now have the privilege to vote. So if you don't do it, you know me and your Mimi are gonna come at ya, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

3) Don't you EVER keep your mouth shut when someone touches you in a way you do not approve of. I don't care if he/she is president of the United States of America. You scream at the top of your lungs. You hit them where it hurts. You tell me, even if that makes you a "tattle tale". Even if it's your boyfriend, and he tells you it was consensual because you are in a relationship, and that no one will be on your side. I am ALWAYS on your side. If you did not consent, and you said no, it was NOT consensual.

4) Sometimes the bullies will win, or at least it will look like it. Sometimes people will belittle others to a point where they honestly believe that they are small enough to crush. It might not tell you in your history books, but this was something Trump did a lot during his campaign. He talked about women like they were objects. He talked about Mexicans and called them names I will not repeat. He talked about Muslims, and basically called them all terrorists. All I'm saying is that, you don't have to support he bullies just because you feel like you have to. There will be smaller groups you can follow if people who think the way you do, and love the things you love. And sure, bullies will come at you and try to knock you down, but if you stick with your group you'll be just fine.

5) You are beautiful. I don't know what you look like yet, but I know for a fact that you are beautiful. Don't you ever let someone tell you otherwise, because they will be wrong. You have an incredible father, and I'm going to try to be the best mom I can be for you, but knowing how we will raise you, I already know that you'll have your daddy's heart and that is what will make you beautiful! Don't let someone tell you that you are not beautiful because of your weight, your hair, or literally any other physical attribute. They are wrong, they will always be wrong. You will be beautiful from the day we meet you until the day we meet again on the other side of the veil. 

It's 1:30 AM and I've been crying. I didn't want Trump as a president. I didn't want to think about a world where little girls are being taught that it's okay for a man to touch you unwarranted just because he's in a place of power. But this is the world we live in, my love. Maybe it will be a better world when you come into it, and I pray everyday that it is. Either way, you will make our world a brighter place. I pray that you will have more of a voice than I ever did. I pray that you come into this world kind yet strong, and I pray that you never ever forget that you can be both.

A Year Ago Today

It's amazing what a year can do! This time last year I was more depressed than I've ever been. I was a newlywed who didn't know how to be a wife. I was working a job that didn't pay enough to cover rent, let alone utilities, and groceries. When I left they hired 3 people to to take my job, yet when I was there, they refused to give me a raise because of the empty promise of "we'll be hiring more people soon to split up the work, and our budget is already cut for this year." I was friends with people who weren't really my friends. People who were three feet away from me talking about how annoying it was that I was so sad, rather than reaching out to help me. My husband was gone until 3 AM almost every night at school, and I would get up in the morning at 8 to go to work. I ate my feelings and ended up being the heaviest I'd been since high school. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't talk to anyone, because after overhearing a conversation between two of my "friends" about how annoying I was, I didn't want anyone else to think that. I remember feeling so...dark. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. I felt unlovable, and scared, and unwanted, and really really alone. 

Those were some really awful times, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for them. Those times taught me to be okay by myself. They forced me grow a backbone and stand up when the world wanted to push me down. They taught me that if someone doesn't want to be in your life to LET THEM GO. They taught me that the world will try to make you hard, and that you don't have to let it. They taught me that it is okay to feel your feelings, as long as you know when you start to feel too much. They taught me that seeking professional help doesn't necessarily mean that you're broken, but can put your pieces back together when you are. That time in my life has prepared me for where I am today.

I don't think I would be al alright as I am now, in Evanston, if I hadn't gone through that. I have like two friends here, and they're both busy moms, so I try not to bug them. Joe leaves at 5 AM and gets home at 5 PM. But I have learned to keep myself busy! I take Anabelle on walks, I take myself on runs, I've become a moderator for some body positive pages on Facebook, and I'm doing just fine. I'm looking to get a part time job, and will be starting full time online school in January. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. This time last year, life didn't seem like it was worth half of the crap I was going through. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father, my mom, and my therapist for getting me through this time last year. Life is good. I hope you all know that if you're going through some stuff, please know that you can reach out to me! You will not be made to feel like crap for feeling like crap! I love you all, and thank you for reading 💜

Singing In My Corner

When I was little, my mom would put me in time out. After a while she started to notice it wasn't working. This was because I would sit with my nose in the corner and make up songs. I would sing to myself until the timer went off, and then I would frolic away singing my new song, happy as a clam. So lately I've been put in a corner, and I'm trying to make the best of it. Thus, the title of this blog entry.

In the last month or so I moved to Evanston, Wyoming from living off of Capitol Hill in Salt Lake City. Just to put that into perspective I just went from a downtown population of 191,000 people, to a place with 12,000. Where there were once fire engines going off at night, and planes flying over head, there's now a whole lot of silence.  I was a 10 minute walk from downtown Salt Lake City, and City Creek shopping center, and now I'm about a 10 minute walk from the Wal-Mart. I'm also not working yet. This has left me to my own devices from 4:00 AM until 5:00 PM when Joe gets home. I was also just starting to make really good friends in SLC, which I've only ever had a few of, and now those "really good friends" don't really talk to me. It's a lot of change, it's a lot of heartache, and it's been a process for me to cope with, but I think that soon enough I'll finally settle into a groove.

When we moved in, there were at least 20 people from our new ward that came to help. It was such a blessing, and they were all so nice. In the weeks that followed meeting all of those kind people, that kindness did not continue through the rest of the town. Everyone we encountered outside of our ward was incredibly rude, and wanted nothing to do with us. Mind you, I may not be the nicest human on the planet, but Joe IS THE EPITOME OF KINDNESS! And I will tell you what, they were rude to him too. Every grocery store visit is met with a grumpy cashier, every dinner outing is met with rude waiters, and I'm starting to go out and just expect people to be rude to me. I get having a bad day, or week even, but dang Gina! There's a song about this, y'all! "Why you gotta be so ruuuude."

On a positive note, last week we finally got our couch and a washer and dryer 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 had no idea how hard life was without those! I'm actually doing the Dirty Dash with a bunch of girls I don't know, one of them is from my ward, but they all seem really rad. I'm also applying for jobs, and signing up for full time school next month! Woohoo! Anyway, I'm doing my best to stay busy, and sing in my corner. God has a plan, and I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure I'll be just fine. Sorry that this wasn't so much a story, but more of a life update/journal entry. Hope y'all are doing well, and that you have an awesome week ❤️