I Wish

I wish I could let it all go.

I wish I could pretend that it all just didn't happen.

I wish you wouldn't have told me I wasn't good enough.

I wish I hadn't believed you.

I wish I hadn't missed out on high school.

I wish I had tried out for the soccer and basketball teams.

I wish I would have been strong enough to fight you back then.

I wish you knew just what you did to my self esteem.

I wish you could have seen the panic attacks you caused.

I wish you knew the social anxiety I still have.

I wish I could take back the days I ate lunch alone in the locker room.

I wish I would have been smart enough to ignore you. 

I wish you would have accepted me as I was.

I wish you thought before you spoke.

I wish people didn't make excuses for you.

I wish you wouldn't have been a jock.

I wish that teachers would have stopped you from acting the way you did.

I wish that someone would have called you out.

I wish you had to work for the things you want.

I wish you felt bad about the things you did.

I wish I didn't still hear your voices in my head when I go to try something new.

I wish you'd just get fat and go bald already.

I wish your momma taught you manners.

I wish your parents didn't know how you acted.

I wish they didn't avoid eye contact with me because they knew and did nothing.

I wish you would apologize.

I wish that would make it better.

I wish you never called me "Spenie".

I wish you never knew my name.

I wish that your personality was your appearance.

I wish you could see me now.

I wish I could show you that you didn't break me.

I wish you could see the empire I've built for myself from the ground up.

I wish you could see that I am so much more than the girl you bullied back then.

I wish a lot of things.

But wishing is silent.

And I have grown very very tired of being silent.

What I Wish You Could See

I've recently gained a new respect and understanding for missionary work. I myself have found myself doubtful lately. Wondering if God hears me, and if I matter. Hear me out, because I still have a strong testimony, it's just been a little rough lately. Adulting is super hard. Joe is gone until midnight or later every night at school doing homework or studying. I do my best to keep busy, but a lot of the time I'm home alone, and my thoughts do a really good job of making me doubt myself, and my faith.

Last week an old friend messaged me, telling me how she has been down for a while, and wanted to know more about the LDS church. I got so excited! My testimony spilled into my fingers and on to a computer screen faster than I ever thought I could type. All of a sudden all of my doubts and fears were gone, and only one thing mattered. Someone else's happiness, and that's what this gospel is! This gospel is happiness, and love, and eternal progression! This gospel teaches us to love our fellow men, even if we don't support everything they do. This gospel encourages women to be strong, and teaches leadership skills from a young age. And if you don't see that, you've never been to girl's camp or heard of personal progress.

In having my friend see the church through new eyes, I was able to do the same. It was this weird new feeling of excitement, and joy. Because that's what this gospel brings. I know plenty of people who aren't members, in fact I'm pretty sure at least 50% of my friends are either inactive, or have never been members. I am not the kind to shove any religion down anyone's throat, so I tend to keep it to myself. But, oh, how I wish more of the people I love could see the joy and peace this gospel brings.

Families can be together forever, you can keep the love of your life for the rest of eternity, your sins are washed away once a week when you take the sacrament, and there is more peace and love that comes from your Heavenly Father than you ever thought possible! I believe in this gospel with all my heart and soul. Yeah, the word of wisdom isn't always super easy to live by, but it's so beyond worth it! I've lived without the gospel, I've even researched other religions, and yeah, you can be happy, and even live a fulfilling life without the gospel. But when it comes to true, and everlasting happiness, in this moment and in the here after, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only place I've found it.

I won't shove it down your throat, no. I don't work like that. But if you asked me, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about it, and better yet, get you in touch with some awesome sister missionaries who know a heck of a lot more than I do! 

I love you all, and I hope your lives are treating you super well :)