In not having received the confirming "go" feeling, I just decided to press forward with faith, and go through with my papers. I met with the stake president back in January and got a strong prompting not to leave until August, so I would have to wait until April to submit my papers. After this, my faith was a little shaken to say the least, so I started attending the temple twice a week, reading my scriptures every chance I could, and praying to my Heavenly Father to know what I was supposed to do. As months passed, I received no answer. So, again, I pressed forward with faith. But the more I started preparing for my mission, the more uneasy I felt about it. I figured these were my fears and my doubts trying to get the best of me, and this entire time I had the mentality that if I wasn't supposed to go on a mission, God would stop me.
March 26th I met with the stake president with a heavy heart, but still thinking that if this was wrong God wouldn't let me do it, I agreed to have my papers submitted April 1st. I thought that after I met with my stake president, I would feel some form of peace, but I still felt uneasy about it, but I figured what's done is done and I couldn't turn back now. I texted my bishop April 4th and asked whether I would get my call the upcoming Wednesday or the Wednesday after, and he replied telling me my papers were still with the stake president. And with that text this girl got her answer.
I was in a parking lot when I received that message, and I basically just broke down. I was crying and praying to Heavenly Father, asking Him what He wanted from me. And keep in mind these last 10 months I have been asking over and over again, "Heavenly Father, should I go on a mission?" And as I sat in my truck, balling my eyes out, without even feeling the words come out of my mouth, I asked, "Heavenly Father, should I stay home?" And I have never, in my entire life, felt so much peace.
Now I know that this is going to be a disappointment to some of you, and I know that no one ever went on a mission and wished they wouldn't have gone. But I am following Gods will. Who knows, maybe I'll go in two months, maybe I'll go in 40 years. But either way, every decision that I have made this far has been through consultation with my Heavenly Father. I'm sad that I'm not supposed to serve, because I put a lot of time and effort into being ready, and not for nothing but I was really excited to go through the temple. But I am grateful that I finally got my answer. This whole experience of preparation taught me so much, but mostly, it taught me about agency. Even if something is a righteous decision, and could be so good for you. If you don't feel good about it, you shouldn't do it. God isn't going to stop you from making wrong decisions, even if they're good decisions. That's why He sent His son in the first place. We are our own beings, and He wants us to be all that we can be. A mission isn't in my cards right now, God has other plans for me here at home. But I know that I am making the right decision, because my Father has been with me the entire way.
Thank you to those of you who have supported me through it all, and even supported me after I've decided not to go. It's been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I wouldn't change it even if I had the chance. I love this gospel, and I love The Lord. He is my best friend, and I couldn't have done any of what I've done without His constant guidence. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me, even if that means bigger and harder trials, because I know that I can do all things through Him.
